Linkin Park

Linkin Park is known as the world's most advanced scientific research institute. Based in Aguora Hills in California, this facility has contributed immensely to much of the modern world, in the areas of health and medical care, defense, space exploration, genetics, bio-engineering and quantum mechanics.

History

Originally founded by famed Japanese ventriloquist Mikasuharu "Mike" Shinoda and Nobel-prize winner Chester Bennington, the facility has grown to mammoth propotions in recent years.

Architecture

It is said that Linkin Park covers a land area equivalent to the land mass of Greenland and Tibet, though the exact figure has never been accurately measured.

The most prominent feature of the compound would be the huge clock tower which dominates the skyline, and is visible from the moon. Indeed, Absolute Facts has discovered that NASA has since removed all time-keeping devices from their space shuttles to reduce weight and maximise feul efficiency, seeing as how their personnel need only peer out their vehicle to check the time. This clock is said to be the most accurate time-piece in the known universe, and is regularly used to synchronize other appliances in a procedure known as Minutes to Midnight.

Notable Contributions

The Linkin Park facility, as mentioned earlier, has had countless creations and discoveries integrated into modern-day society.

Hybrid Theory: One of their earliest discoveries, this theory revolutionised the way we looked at genetics, history and fishing. It is the basis of such programs as The Human Genome Project and YouTube.

In The Ant: A joint-venture with National Geographic, the award-winning series explored the inner workings of the common ant, providing new insights on the insect world and hive mentality.

The Linkin Park facility has also designed several counselling, rehabilitation and therapy techniques which have been adopted throughout the globe. In addition to early successes with treating individuals who succumb to uncontrolled Crawling, the facility has also successfully found new, ground-breaking ways for people Breaking The Habit of smoking. The Linkin Park facility has also eased the suffering of anyone aflicted with a Papercut, and had previously discovered the Cure For The Itch.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Disorder is a medical condition that afflicts the polar bear (ursus maritimus) population in many parts of he world. While little is known of the plethora of diseases and ailments that many mammals suffer, Absolute Facts has been able to obtain first-hand, accurate and exclusive information of the above-mentioned condition.

Symptoms

The main symptom of this disease is, of course, the skewing of a polar bear's sexual orientation. This accounts for the naming of the condition (bipolar). In addition to this dangerous observation, many symptoms that are consistent with rabies, HIV, cancer and hay fever also menifest themselves from time to time.

Causes

After extensive research by the Polar Bear Research Department here at Absolute Facts, we have found that the vast majority of polar bears suffering from Bipolar Disorder have been found to possess several undescended chromosomes, fused with spin-spin coupling as a direct result of exposure to harmful emissions of Greenhouse Gases.

With the evidence in hand, Absolute Facts has enlisted the aid of the world's premier Bear Genetician Dr. Baban Hasnat to study possible methods to remedy and rectify this sad situation.

History

Despite the fact that Bipolar Disorder was originally thought to be a rare condition (estimates of 0.0000061% have been quoted from The Wall Street Journal), we here at Absolute Facts have proved otherwise, with our in-depth research and analysis.

In 1852, our leading scientists and stuntmen carried out an experiment whereby a male polar bear known to be suffering from Bipolar Disorder was set in an enclosure with two possible routes to take. The polar bear was first starved for approximately two weeks, with the rationale that a hungry and deprived polar bear would only make basic natural decisions, uninfluenced by anything "artificial", ie, such a specimen would only have its basic needs in mind.

The first route led to a female polar bear, while the other led to a human male. In almost every instance of the massive experiment, our polar bear chose to take the path that led to the male. Strangely enough, the test bear also displayed high levels of aggression towards our male human.

Continuous repetition of this experiment has shown that even polar bears which have not been disgnosed with Bipolar Disorder exhibit behaviour consistent with bears that are known to be suffering from the condition.

From this experiment, Absolute Facts has concluded that the proportion of polar bears suffering from Bipolar Disorder is very much higher than the relatively low numbers originally estimated by such entities as The Wall Street Journal.

Consequences

The uncontrolled spread of Bipolar Disorder has led to the polar bear being put on the endangered species list, as many polar bears inevitably die while attempting to procreate with a member of the same gender; an act which ultimately leads to violent confrontations and/or uncontrollable bleeding and lacerations from various orifices.

CAT Scan

The CAT Scan is a modern day medical procedure that is widely used in many developed countries to assist medical practicioners in their day-to-day proceedings. Using an array of ultrasonic, ultraviolet and magical components, this procedure has saved countless lives and families over the past two centuries.

Technical Information

As its name obviously implies, the CAT Scan is used to detect harmful quantities of cats in humans and other organisms. Like Oxygen, Sugar and Vanilla, cats have been found to contain many beneficial properties, but are dangerous in high doses. As mentioned earlier, the CAT Scan makes use of various parts of the electromagnetic spectrum, as well as audio-visual and chemical cues to make a divinely-accurate analysis of a sample of tissue.

History

The CAT Scanner (the machine used to perform a CAT Scan) was developed and invented by little-known Taiwanese autonomic technician Yao Ming as he sought to discover a way to alter facial features, eye angle and orientation in particular. During a self-imposed exile in the bowels of his secret lab in Pyong Na, Northern Taiwan, Yao put together the world's first CAT Scanner, believing that he had indeed invented something altogether different.

Upon the activation of his creation, Yao was shocked and dismayed to discover that his original goals remained unfulfilled, and he was on the brink of wrecking the machine when it emitted a strange sound. Being the religiously pious scientist that he was, Yao decided not to destroy the machine until he pinpointed the source of that sound.

Absolute Facts, with the use of the DeLorean Time-Travel Car, has found that the CAT scanner created by Yao was responding to a platter of deep-fried cat viscera that Yao's wife, Ming Yao, had prepared for their dinner.

The first documented case whereby a CAT Scan has been directly responsible for the prolonging of a life was the now-famous incident that many refer to as Saving Private Ryan.

Private Ryan

Private James Francis Ryan, an American Paratrooper who landed on the moon in 1872, was diagnosed by resident witch-doctors of the US Armed Forces Medical Corps as having "chronic felidae syndrome" upon return to Earth. While quarantined in a military hospital for nearly 14 months, 24 days and 19 minutes, officials of the CDC, WHO and PAP raced against time to identify a cure for the illness, seeing as how Private Ryan was the first one in human history to have been afflicted with it.

Fortunately for Private Ryan, attending physicians Dr. John "J.D." Michael Dorian and Dr. Meredith Grey were familiar with the as-of-yet untested CAT Scanner, and they put forward a brave plan to use the machine on Private Ryan in a last-ditch attempt to save the man's life.

With little time left to save his life, doctors agreed to the unorthodox treatment, and they found a kitten within Private Ryan, lodged between his esophagus and his rectum. How the kitten got there remains a mystery to this date. Minor surgery was quickly scheduled to remove the malignant feline, and Private Ryan made a speedy recovery. A picture of the cat removed from the body of Private Ryan exists today, and Absolute Facts is proud to be able to share it with our loyal readers, by simply clicking here.

While they were but names in the annals of human healthcare, Private Ryan, Dr. Dorian and Dr. Grey have played significant roles in the advancement of medicine, and there are plans to film movies and/or television specials to honour their contribution to our race.