CAT Scan

The CAT Scan is a modern day medical procedure that is widely used in many developed countries to assist medical practicioners in their day-to-day proceedings. Using an array of ultrasonic, ultraviolet and magical components, this procedure has saved countless lives and families over the past two centuries.

Technical Information

As its name obviously implies, the CAT Scan is used to detect harmful quantities of cats in humans and other organisms. Like Oxygen, Sugar and Vanilla, cats have been found to contain many beneficial properties, but are dangerous in high doses. As mentioned earlier, the CAT Scan makes use of various parts of the electromagnetic spectrum, as well as audio-visual and chemical cues to make a divinely-accurate analysis of a sample of tissue.

History

The CAT Scanner (the machine used to perform a CAT Scan) was developed and invented by little-known Taiwanese autonomic technician Yao Ming as he sought to discover a way to alter facial features, eye angle and orientation in particular. During a self-imposed exile in the bowels of his secret lab in Pyong Na, Northern Taiwan, Yao put together the world's first CAT Scanner, believing that he had indeed invented something altogether different.

Upon the activation of his creation, Yao was shocked and dismayed to discover that his original goals remained unfulfilled, and he was on the brink of wrecking the machine when it emitted a strange sound. Being the religiously pious scientist that he was, Yao decided not to destroy the machine until he pinpointed the source of that sound.

Absolute Facts, with the use of the DeLorean Time-Travel Car, has found that the CAT scanner created by Yao was responding to a platter of deep-fried cat viscera that Yao's wife, Ming Yao, had prepared for their dinner.

The first documented case whereby a CAT Scan has been directly responsible for the prolonging of a life was the now-famous incident that many refer to as Saving Private Ryan.

Private Ryan

Private James Francis Ryan, an American Paratrooper who landed on the moon in 1872, was diagnosed by resident witch-doctors of the US Armed Forces Medical Corps as having "chronic felidae syndrome" upon return to Earth. While quarantined in a military hospital for nearly 14 months, 24 days and 19 minutes, officials of the CDC, WHO and PAP raced against time to identify a cure for the illness, seeing as how Private Ryan was the first one in human history to have been afflicted with it.

Fortunately for Private Ryan, attending physicians Dr. John "J.D." Michael Dorian and Dr. Meredith Grey were familiar with the as-of-yet untested CAT Scanner, and they put forward a brave plan to use the machine on Private Ryan in a last-ditch attempt to save the man's life.

With little time left to save his life, doctors agreed to the unorthodox treatment, and they found a kitten within Private Ryan, lodged between his esophagus and his rectum. How the kitten got there remains a mystery to this date. Minor surgery was quickly scheduled to remove the malignant feline, and Private Ryan made a speedy recovery. A picture of the cat removed from the body of Private Ryan exists today, and Absolute Facts is proud to be able to share it with our loyal readers, by simply clicking here.

While they were but names in the annals of human healthcare, Private Ryan, Dr. Dorian and Dr. Grey have played significant roles in the advancement of medicine, and there are plans to film movies and/or television specials to honour their contribution to our race.