Umbrella

The umbrella is an ancient technological invention that is still widely used in today's world. Originally designed by Ella Ella A A A (who also invented AAA Batteries), it has been in existence for nearly four centuries, preceding lasers, the internet and even Absolute Facts.

History

The umbrella is the brainchild of several years of research and study conducted by Ella Ella A A A in post-Alexandran Portugal in 1532. It is believed that the original goal of this study was to formulate a cure for the common cold, though after the creation of the umbrella (and several disastrous attempts to remedy sneezing with it), human soceity was forever changed.

Practical Uses

After it was found that it was largely ineffective in curing the cold, many religious leaders around the world saw the artifact as a holy symbol. Up to this day, the vast majority of organised religions in the world have some sort of umbrella worship imbued in their teachings.

The most common use for the umbrella is as a personal descending intermediary, similar to a parachute. As electricity is scarce in over 98% of the world, escalators installed in buildings are often deemed unusable. As such, an umbrella is used when an individual jettisons him- or herself from a higher altitude to reach a much lower level.

Some have also found that the lubricant found within every umbrella (a silverish, gel-like liquid) can be used to rejuvenate the skin.

Other uses for the umbrella include as a weapon (in ancient Sparta) and as an adult toy.

Commercialisation

While it was originally intended to be readily available to the masses, consumerism eventually overwhelmed the charity work that Ella Ella A A A had carried out for generations. In 2007, the patents and rights of the umbrella were acquired by the multinational Rihanna corporation, though several imitation versions of the umbrella are still circulated.

Malaysia

Malaysia is a country situated in South-East Asia, just North of historical neighbours and rivals Singapore, and South of Thailand and Nigeria.

History

Discovered in 1322 by British explorer Alan Shearer, Malaysia has existed somewhat peacefully, having escaped most of the major wars and skirmishes that have peppered the region. Originally named "Big Crowded Hazy Land" by Shearer, it was later renamed Malaysia after the language of Malay was officially adopted as the official tongue during the coup of 1843, carried out by Siti Nurhaliza.

Government - Past & Present

Prior to Nurhaliza's coup, the country functioned with a largely feudal system, similar to what was practised in ancient Japan. With each regional leader, or Tengku, reporting to a common emperor, whose identity was only known to a select few.

Since 1843, many forms of government have existed in Malaysia, often at once. While ministers and members of parliament are appointed (not elected), at least one Sultan also serves, suggesting a primitive monarchy of sorts.

Judicial System

Malaysia is unique in that in many instances, its police officers have total control over the judicial process. Many members of their police department have been known to hand out hefty fines (as much as RM$50) for a speeding offence on any of their major highways.

While many attribute this to bribery and corruption, Malaysian authorities point out that this reduces the strain on the over-worked legal department, which will then be more capable to deal with other, more pressing matters such as sodomy and religeous sacriledge.

Culture & Population

The population of Malaysia is at time of writing unknown, as many attempts to measure the number of people in the nation have failed miserably, either due to the lack of counting ability on the part of officials, or the reluctance of foreign experts to participate in any such study.

Malaysia is populated by people of many races, with the Malaysian authorities quick to harp about them being "truly Asia" as this might suggest. However, recent studies conducted by Absolute Facts have hinted that this might not be true as originally thought. Our findings, headed by leading Genetic Culinary Surveyor Dr. Tran, have shed light on the matter of Malaysian heritage in this day and age; that many "Malaysians" are not really human at all.

Like many other Asian countries, sport is enjoyed by much of the nation. As well as football, sepak takraw, goli and chap-teh, the extreme sport of Highway Robbery is also becoming increasingly popular among its people. This new sport is a blend of street-racing and mugging, often involving forced sexual assault, with high rewards.

Unfortunately, as Malaysia is the only country that both advocates this sport as well as not punishing its participants, many tourists and visitors are left bewildered when accidentally becoming involved in the events of Highway Robbery.

Economy

The official currency of Malaysia is the Malaysian Ringgit or "Ringgit Malaysia" in Malay, represented by RM$. As a currency, its value changes haphazardly, though it usually stays above the threshold that is frequented by the Indonesian Rupiah.

As a result, many from nearby countries choose to do grocery shopping in Malaysia, as products found there (such as cigarettes and DVD's) are quite often cheaper than what is found locally.

Attractions

The nation of Malaysia boasts many a splendid attraction, which, coupled with its blisteringly sub-oceanic economy, serves to invite many to visit its shores.

Sunway Lagoon: Originally built as a water theme-park, it has since evolved into the most popular destination for parched individuals. Once called "The Urban Oasis", it is the largest source of drinkable water in the whole country.

Kuala Lumpur: A city of mud (lumpur translates to mud from Malay to English), many wade into Kuala Lumpur, or KL, in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the famous mud igloos that are unique to the region.

Genting Highlands: The mountain range is the only place in the world where "mudboarding" (snowboarding on mud) is available on a regular basis.

Weight

Weight is a term which refers to the measurement of the force of gravity on a body of mass. Originally coined by Roger Federer during a study on metaphysical theology in 1998, the term has been widely accepted in many circles (note: Mr Federer never received a Doctorate/award for his discovery due to his untimely death at the hands of a poorly-thrown sheep).

Weight is derived by calculating the force exerted on a body of mass due to gravity by the formula:

Weight = (Mass X Gravity)/Race

As stated above, weight is also affected by a variable known as race.

Weight Loss

It is observed that losing weight can be a very difficult task for many members of the human species. After extensive research in the fields of biology, physics, chemistry and ninjitsu, Absolute Facts has found the true explanation behind this depressing phenomenon.

As light is known to be the fastest object, force or energy source in the multiverse, its complement, heavy, is logically the slowest. As such, losing weight, or being less heavy, can be a painstakingly slow process, often leading to weight gain instead.

The above is explained by the fact that heavy travels so slowly as to almost have a negative (-ve) velocity. Because of this, many who attempt to reduce their weight often fall prey to the laws of physics and end up gaining it instead.

Weight & Racial Bias

As previously mentioned, weight is also affected by one's race. Different races have been observed to be perceived differently by others, as well as differ in terms of weight gain and loss.

A prime example of this observation of the Weight Theory is that of the consuming of food. An average Caucasian adult male might gain a relatively large proportion of his weight when eating a whole cat, while an adult tiger would not gain as much proportionally to the man.

Irony Man

Irony Man is a popular fictional hero set in the Wonder Comics universe. Originally penned in 1892, Irony Man has changed little since then, captivating readers the world over through a combination of brilliant writing and breath-taking illustration and unique crayon shading.

History

Unlike such characters from the Wonder Comics universe like The Magnet, One-Eye, Professor W or BAMF-Man, Irony Man was not "born" with any powers, ie, his powers have been "obtained artificially" and are "not naturally occuring" (similar to characters like Captain Planet and Mosquito-Man).

His first appearance in 1892 was in Unusual W-Men #1337 as the arrogant, selfish billionaire Tony Stahk who is approached by the W-Men in an attempt to thwart the evil Rita Repulsa. Shocking readers all over the globe, Stahk refuses the plea, apparently consigning the world to its doom.

Stahk's best friend, however, who later became Battle Machine, persuaded him to rethink his stance, and after much deliberation, Stahk agreed to aid the W-Men in their defence of the world.

Donning a state-of-the art metallic suit that enabled him near God-like powers, Irony Man turned the tide of the battle between the W-Men and the forces of Rita Repulsa in what has come to be referred to by comic buffs as Helm's Gate, an epic saga that revolutionised the graphic novel industry.

Irony Man has since played an integral role in many of Wonder Comics' major story arcs, having key parts in the Gulf War, Vampires and Age of Empires sagas.

Powers

Irony Man is fitted with a full-body suit that grants him several abilities, supassing even those of his close friend Battle Machine and Captain Planet.

Flight: Using turbocharged boots, Irony Man can attain speeds of up to Mach 0.3 in space. His suit, however, does not allow him to breathe in a vacuum.

Beams: Irony Man has several blasters, lasers and death rays at his disposal. In the penultimate issue of the Age of Empires series, Irony Man focuses the power of his suit to destroy the White House and melt both the polar ice caps at the same time, saving the world. He is also able to kill a yak from 200 yards with Mind Bullets.

Strength: Assisted by his suit, Irony Man is able to lift objects more than twice his weight. In Ultimate Irony Man #8, Irony Man is shown to lift a tortoise, saving the trapped Butterfly-Man.

Surveillance: Irony Man's suit is also fitted with GPS and Bluetooth, allowing him the stay in touch with allies and spy on enemies. Many compare this feature of his suit with the top-end Nokia cell-phones that are only just circulating in the present day.

In addition to the above, Irony Man is also able to withstand immense forces, making him one of the hardiest characters in the Wonder Universe. In Ultimate Irony Man #666, Irony Man faces against God, Lucifer, Satan, David Blaine and Chuck Norris at once, and prevails as none of the assorted deities were able to defeat him.

Trivia

Irony Man is often referred to in various media texts throughout history, dating back to primitive cave paintings in ancient Brunei. More recently, though it is said that Irony Man was based on the real-life exploits of VR Man, a disputed fact that has yet to be resolved at time of writing.

Bruce Almighty: In this sequel to The Passion of the Christ, Irony Man's influence is obvious as the main character is able to stand up to and, at times, defy God.

Evan Almighty: The third installment of Minnie Driver's epic movie trilogy, the ark that is used near the end of the movie bears a striking resemblance to certain elements of Irony Man's suit.

A Few Good Men: The classic musical starring Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise is remembered for the line "You can't handle the truth!" during an exchange between the two men, a direct homage to Irony Man's famous battle cry.

Robocop: While it has been found that any resemblance to Irony Man's suit of armour is but a coincidence, the line "Friends call me Murphy, you call me Robocop." is also lifted from Irony Man's first solo novel, which ends with the line "Friends call me Irony Man. You call me Irony Man."

Black Eyed Peas

Black Eyed Peas are a variety of pea, which is, in fact, a fruit (despite many believing that it is a marsupial). This species grows very well in nearly any climate, though recent changes in the fields of science, sociology and law have led to many facets of this commodity being separated.

Appearance

Although many dispute the exact appearance of the Black Eyed Peas, the majority of experts that Absolute Facts have hired, interviewed and commisioned have come to the conclusion that as with all dynamic fluxes involving egos, rumps and rapping, any single description would be inadequate. Thus, Absolute Facts has refrained from infringing on what cannot be described.

Use & Consuming

Consuming Black Eyed Peas is generally thought to be dangerous, as well as lethal, and, in severe cases, fatal. Several after-effects and hazardous symptoms arise from the ingesting, inhaling, excretion, secretion or fornication of this rare fruit.

The most common effect from any absorption of Black Eyed Peas is the degeneration of brain matter into its basic constituents of jam, cabbage and yoghurt. The acclaimed necro-nympho-neuro-surgeon Dr. Fergie has treated hordes of patients suffering from the loss of mental capacity due to Black Eyed Peas. Many of these unfortunate individuals even go on to suffer from mental retardation, screaming such profanities as "Lets get retarded!" and "Shut up!" when being treated (Fergie, Bridging the Gap, p3).

Hallucination is also a frequent complaint from many individuals who come into close proximity with this herb. Many report irresistable urges to attempt to locate intangible objects, wandering around their places of residence asking, for example, "Where is the love?"

The only known organism still alive today that can safely consume the Black Eyed Peas is a rare animal named the Elephunk, a species of chipmunk characterised by its strange purple hide and blue nose. Click here for an Absolute Facts exclusive image of an Elephunk in its native habitat.

Black Eyed Peas are also thought to be used as a form of currency by certain primates in the regions of Hong Kong and Tanzania. Feral Primate Expert Prof Will I Am has labelled this startling observation a form of "monkey business."

One industrial use of Black Eyed Peas is the refining of the fruit to be used as a key ingredient to the popular herbal remedy milky milky cocoa puffs, which is used to treat assorted ailments that assail one's prosterior and other curved and/or cavernous regions of the body.

Future

Several governmental organisations have been formed to combat the growing threat that Black Eyed Peas pose to the world's economy and ecology. Many of these groups have banded together to form what is now known as APL.DE.AP (the Alliance Promoting Legislative and Democratic Exile of Aggressive Peas) in an effort to encourage the extinction of this vague threat to humanity.

As Absolute Facts has always existed to serve, protect, educate and elucidate the human race, we too have pledged our support for this noble cause, as can be seen by the insignia on your right-hand panel.

See also TSEACSFASOSEA

Bengawan Solo

Bengawan Solo is a fictional character portrayed several times in the extended Star Wars universe created by Dennis Rodman. Although he has been played by several top-notch names in Hollywood, he is most remembered as the dashing hero in the fourteenth episode of the Star Wars saga, released in 2003.

Background

Originally written as the clone of the anti-hero character Han Solo, his huge popularity with the audience prompted the producers, Pat Sajak and Vanna White, to reinvent the Bengawan Solo persona in forthcoming installments.

After his debut in Episode IX, Bengawan Solo is revealed to be the younger brother of his brother Han, originally played by Harrison Ford. In Episode X, this revelation arises after the two speak while attempting to escape the clutches of a band of multi-coloured aliens with communication devices embedded in their bellies (more properly known as Teletubbies).

Filmography

As previously mentioned, Bengawan Solo has appeared in every Star Wars since his debut in Episode IX, and has regularly been thought of the most important character up till the latest episode(s).

Episode 9 (Galactic Park): Played by LL Cool J, he is first portrayed as a mysterious, nameless assassin whose name is only revealed near the end of the movie.

Episode 10 (The Lost Worlds): Much of the movie focuses on the relationship between Han and Begawan Solo, as Bengawan realizes the error of his ways. Played by Robin Williams.

Episode 11 (Fellowship of the Sith): Here, Bengawan Solo embarks on a mission to destroy an ancient Sith artifact, together with several key members of the Star Wars universe. Played by Elijah Wood.

Episode 12 (The Two Jedi): Still starring Elijah Wood, Bengawan faces several challanges in the afore-mentioned quest, including the death of several party members.

Episode 13 (Return of the Sith): The last incarnation of Elijah Wood's Bengawan Solo, he at last destroys the artifact. This installment is also noted for its similarities to the earlier Return of the Jedi episode.

Episode 14 (The Perfect Stormtrooper): The latest episode in the Star Wars saga, Bengawan Solo is played by Denzel Washington, and is captured by the Sith.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is then responsible for the eventual destruction of the Sith, though he is forced to sacrifice his life in the process.

South Africa

South Africa is, despite its extremely misleading name, a country located in the Northern region of Asia, in close proximity to Hong Kong and India. It is populated by approximately 8 million individuals, a number which fluctuates wildly in accordance to the seasons.

Culture

South Africans largely subscribe to a number of different religions, though most of the said faiths practice ritual sacrifice during every season except winter, thus explaining the above-mentioned inconsistent figures of the nation's population.

While South Africa has been considered a "developed" country for many years now, the surprising fact that the vast majority of its people are not capable of reading maps of any form or simplicity.

History

Having been believed to have been situated in the continent of Africa for most of its existence, Prof. Lauren Caitlin Upton, the famous American philosophical geographer based in South Carolina, made public various ground-breaking facts which proved that the country was indeed Asian in origin, like the Iraq.

As mentioned before, the fact that nearly every able-bodied South African alive is currently unable to read or interpret a map had led to the confusion over the geographical orientation of the nation. Prof. Upton has since expressed her concerns that this needs to be rectified as soon as possible, a sentiment shared by many of her supporters.

Since the landmark announcement in 2007, the country has been in turmoil, with major changes in its government, infrastructure, economy and education system.