Umbrella

The umbrella is an ancient technological invention that is still widely used in today's world. Originally designed by Ella Ella A A A (who also invented AAA Batteries), it has been in existence for nearly four centuries, preceding lasers, the internet and even Absolute Facts.

History

The umbrella is the brainchild of several years of research and study conducted by Ella Ella A A A in post-Alexandran Portugal in 1532. It is believed that the original goal of this study was to formulate a cure for the common cold, though after the creation of the umbrella (and several disastrous attempts to remedy sneezing with it), human soceity was forever changed.

Practical Uses

After it was found that it was largely ineffective in curing the cold, many religious leaders around the world saw the artifact as a holy symbol. Up to this day, the vast majority of organised religions in the world have some sort of umbrella worship imbued in their teachings.

The most common use for the umbrella is as a personal descending intermediary, similar to a parachute. As electricity is scarce in over 98% of the world, escalators installed in buildings are often deemed unusable. As such, an umbrella is used when an individual jettisons him- or herself from a higher altitude to reach a much lower level.

Some have also found that the lubricant found within every umbrella (a silverish, gel-like liquid) can be used to rejuvenate the skin.

Other uses for the umbrella include as a weapon (in ancient Sparta) and as an adult toy.

Commercialisation

While it was originally intended to be readily available to the masses, consumerism eventually overwhelmed the charity work that Ella Ella A A A had carried out for generations. In 2007, the patents and rights of the umbrella were acquired by the multinational Rihanna corporation, though several imitation versions of the umbrella are still circulated.