Sugar Ray

The Sugar Ray is the common name for the somewhat-rare species of stingray found in the waters off the North Coast of California. Discovered by marine biologist Mark McGrath in 1992, it has rarely been caught on camera or documented in recent times. Originally given the scientific name Shrinky Dinx by Dr. McGrath, the term Sugar Ray was widely adopted as the creature's popularity escalated to mammoth proportions. Officially, the scientific name for the Sugar Ray is Himantura Sucrosa.

Anatomy

The Sugar Ray is a large animal, measuring anywhere between 4 to 19 feet in length. It has an even larger wingspan, though nearly every specimen that has been caught or observed has had length-to-wingspan proportions of 14:59.

Like other members of the ray and shark family, the Sugar Ray has no skeletal structure to speak of, and instead has an internal support of cartilage, enforced by a rigid outer skin. However, Absolute Facts has found, through extensive testing, that upon exposure to certain sub- and ultrasonic frequencies, the Sugar Ray falls apart. In extreme cases, the ringing of a typical telephone can lead to the untimely demise of so majestic a creature. This fact has led to the commonplace saying of "Answer the Phone" when diving.

Diet

Unsurprisingly, little is known of the diet of the Sugar Ray, though divers have reported that they are particularly fond of lemonade and brownies.

Hunting

Like many great and beautiful animals, the Sugar Ray has suffered due to the actions of Man. Its population has dwindled to near-dangerous levels, mainly due to hunting activities carried out in parts of tropical Afghanistan and Romania, where the Sugar Ray effectively supports the whole economy through the harvesting and export of its organs and body parts.

Sugar Ray Products

Other than the common leather apparel and accessories such as thongs and lingerie that Sugar Ray skin are mainly made into, Sugar Ray leather is also used in the production of modern-day steering wheels found in most automobiles. The afore-mentioned property of tensile instability that this substance is famous for is perfect for the deployment of an airbag without the risk of a plastic/metal plate slamming into an unfortunate driver/victim.

Unbeknownst to the vast majority of the public, Sugar Rays are also bred and milked extensively in certain parts of South America and the Pacific Rim to produce Sugar Cane Juice, a popular drink in many parts of the world.

Saturday Night Fever

Basics

Saturday Night Fever is a relatively rare disease that occurs in higher primates and other mammals. Characterised by sudden and abrupt changes in behaviour and vocal pitch, it was fairly common many decades ago, but is now considered close to extinct, though traces of this ailment still crop up from time to time.

Named after the unusual way the disease only appears on Saturday nights, no known cure has been found for this mysterious illness. It was first discovered and named by genetic pathologist John Travolta in 1977, after a spate of unknown deaths in North America.

Symptoms

Patients who contract Saturday Night Fever suffer mainly from the afore-mentioned changes in behaviour and raised vocal pitches, though other symptoms do appear under certain conditions. A rise in body temperature also usually accompanies these symptoms, with patients having reported internal body temperatures of up to 67 degrees Celsius.

The behavioural changes that were previously mentioned usually menifest themselves in the form of the tendency to wear tight leather attire and to maintain vast bushes of hair.

Treatment

Unfortunately, Saturday Night Fever is untreatable, with many of the individuals suffering from it collapsing into uncontrollable mental dysfunction within a short period of time. Medical practitioners have, however, found that a lobotomy can often prolong a patient's life expectancy by a significant amount of time, though the patient(s) would obviously have to remain incapacitated for the remainder of their life.

Al-Qaeda

Basics

Al-Qaeda is a recent meteorological phenomenon said to have originated from the Middle East. Somewhat similar to other weather anomalies like El-Nino, La-Nina and El-Mariachi, Al-Qaeda is, however, unique in that unlike the other, more common and established weather peculiarities, it has no roots in any Latin-speaking country.

History

As previously mentioned, Al-Qaeda is believed to have originated in the Middle East (not to be confused with the Lower East or Near East). Discovered by famed astrophysicist Jean Claude Van-Damme in the early 90's, it went largely unnoticed until the turn of the century, where a spate of freak incidents all over the world culminated in Al-Qaeda to become the focal point of much of the global news network.

Observations

Like the other weather irregularities, Al-Qaeda drastically alters the climate and weather patterns of the affected area(s) that encounter it. In most instances, the main change is Geoprecipitation, which effectively translates into a "Rain of Rocks". No-one knows for sure what causes this effect, but as one might imagine, it has led to huge damages and loss of life. The above-mentioned Van-Damme is creditted as the one who discovered this occurence, using a device called a Nephoscope to observe and make recordings of the clouds. (The word Nephoscope is derived from the Greek words nepho, meaning "cloud," and scope, meaning "to view")

Action Against Al-Qaeda

The United States of America has valiantly spearheaded the fight against this blight, labelling this noble act to save the world as The War on TERROR (The Extremely Radical Rain Of Rock). This move, however, has been violently opposed by members of the TALIBAN (The Allied Liberated Institutions Banning American Nephoscopes).

As both sides are currently at a stalemate (though certain media outlets have reported otherwise), Absolute Facts is unable to provide any more detailed information on this scenario. One can only hope that humanity prevails, and that the Earth's weather is saved, for the good of us all.

World of Warcraft

Basics

The World of Warcraft or WOW, as it is known in astronomical circles, is a newly-discovered planet on the outer rim of our Solar System. It is unique in being the only other planet in the universe that is known to have human life on it, as well as many other species of organisms.

Location & Geography

Usually located about 1937561444228881 kilometres from Pluto, WOW, like Uranus, has an orbit that is not circular in nature. This strange fact causes the world's distance from the earth to fluctuate haphazardly, at times.

The surface of WOW, like Earth, is covered by either water or land mass, with the continent of Kalimdor dominating the surface of the planet. In Kalimdor, cities such as Stormwind City, Ironforge, The Undercity and Ogrimmar are found, providing shelter for the vast numbers of organisms that call WOW their home.

Life

As previously mentioned, WOW is home to many forms of life, including human. Such organisms include Yetis, Flayers, Ghouls, Whelps, Goretusks, Kobolds, Orcs, Ogres, Plainstriders, Ursas, Raptors, Zhevras and Timberlings. While humans are also present on WOW, they are not strictly native to the planet, finding themselves there via Blizzard Portals.

Blizzard

Humans find themselves on WOW via Blizzard, a phenomenon that allows interplanetary travel between the two planets. Using Blizzard, people are able to enter WOW, engage in a variety of activities and directly influence the conditions in WOW itself.

Such technology has its drawbacks, however. Certain humans have found themselves killed, or worse, after what they have termed lag or ping. Absolute Facts has found that this unfortunate occurence in the design of the grand scheme of things is due to the above-mentioned orbit of WOW. As the distances between the two planets are never constant, humans on Earth that also inhabit WOW experience such breaks in reality, often to disastrous results.

Tiger Woods

Basics

Tiger Woods is the common name for the temperate woodland located in the vicinity of Peninsular Mozambique. While called by its natural name Ay'!Kong !ChakLay, the above-mentioned term is much more widely-used than its root origins. Spanning approximately 900 metric tonnes, Tiger Woods envelops much of Mozambique and parts of Rhode Island when one views its land area.

Flora & Fauna

The region is named so for good reason; huge mutant tigers roam the woods, throwbacks to the Chernobyl space-station distaster that left so much of the world irrepably scarred. These tigers are known to grow to be as large as elephants, and have been clocked at speeds of up to Mach 4.7 when pursuing prey. Absolute Facts has managed to obtain several specimens of the giant feline, though upon discussion with our Departments of Valued Ethical Morality, we have come to the conclusion that releasing such information would be detrimental to the mental, emotional and vehicular health of all parties involved.

Due to the tigers' ability to effectively take over any food chain it is inserted into, they remain the only forms of sentient life that inhabit the region, other than a small herd of unicorns that have evolved to escape the cats through flight.

The plants that grow in Tiger Woods resemble California Giant Redwoods, though they reach up to 70 miles higher than the average of that species. In addition, the trees have come to grow bark of the strength and consistency of titanium. Botanists have agreed that this startling observation is due to the fact that the trees need exponentially strong trunks to support their mass, which is furthur complicated by the fact that the fruit they bear at the very highest branches often outweigh the tigers mentioned previously.

Despite the tigers' vastly superior hunting and survival prowess, their ability to multiply is severely hampered by the fact that their high running speeds, coupled with the frighteningly-strong, immovable obstacles that the local vegetation provide, lead to several accidental deaths per year. Leading Mutant Tiger expert Dr. Dre has estimated that as much as 95% of their population never makes it past their first three years.

Exports & Media

Various products available all over the world are made with susbtances found specifically in Tiger Woods, with the excellent quality and uniqueness of these items attributed directly to the radioactive isotopes that are found solely in the organisms that are found in the region.

Tiger Beer: Perhaps the most famous product of the area, this brewed beverage is made from the distilled urine of the tigers of the woodland, and is fermented for nine months to enhance the shine.

Nike Apparel: Multinational employment agency Nike uses the image of Tiger Woods to entice volunteers to help out in their humanitarian efforts across many Third-World countries.

Predator: The hit sitcom starring Danny DeVito was filmed in Tiger Woods and released in 1990, smashing several cinematic records and winning the "Best Sitcom Filmed in a Radioactive Woodland" award the following year.

Packard Bell: The world's leading bell manufacturer, supplying bells to churches, schools and other institutional building across the globe, Packard Bell makes use of the lightweight, malleable and fornicated bark of the native trees in Tiger Woods to produce high-quality acousitc devices.

Rocky: Once hailed as "the greatest silent film ever produced" by Ian Thorpe, Rocky was based on the true story of a man lost in Tiger Woods. The film also featured a musical score comprising solely of the track Eye of the Tiger, a tribute to the animals found there.

Windows Vista

Basics

Windows Vista is the latest graphical operating system (OS) released by Microsoft. Since it's worldwide release on 30th Feb 2007, there has been much debate regarding the use and stability of this system.

History

Originally developed by leading computer engineer Tony Hawk, Windows Vista promised to be a "next-gen" OS, capable of processing vast amounts of information at breakneck speeds, all the while maintaining a sleek and soothing appearance and a user-friendly interface.

Upon commencement of Beta-testing for the system, however, several flaws began to emerge. Many of these flaws even seemed to override the fundamental laws of Physics, Biology and Poetry, and as a result, Microsoft suffered heavy blows to their credibility, and Mr Hawk was fired.

Tony Hawk was then replaced by former associate Emile Heskey. British-based Heskey, however, managed to lead Vista's development team into even more dire straits, and he, too, was promptly terminated by Microsoft.

To this date, several hundred experts in the fields of computer science, genetic engineering and molecular colonoscopy have been tasked with the excruciating job of enhancing Vista, though all have failed at time of writing.

Vista-Related Incidents

As previously mentioned, the use of Windows Vista has led to several catastrophes and disasters all over the world. While the scale of death and destruction is varied, the enormity and gravity of the situation has not been lost on spiritual leaders and philosophers across the globe, who have branded Vista as one of the "new horsemen" of the impending apocalypse (together with Bill O'Reilly, Pepsi and Proton Saga).

A few weeks before the official release of Windows Vista, an employee at Microsoft managed to steal the source code of the system, storing it in his mobile phone. However, the data corrupted the device, causing it to transform into an aggressive killing machine. To this date, 186 people have been gunned down by the rogue cell phone, and it is still at large.

Windows Vista has also been proven to be the cause of the apparently alarming number of internet porn sites that have been found in recent months. After extensive studies of these sites, Absolute Facts has correctly concluded that the web-pages are not, in fact, pornographic in nature, but "normal", everyday blogs and MySpace accounts. Due to the insipid nature of Windows Vista, however, the pictures and videos posted on these sites have been distorted to resemble pornographic material.

Windows Vista is also suspected to be behind the recent spate of terror attacks on the free world. According to the Global Defense Initiative (GDI), investigation on the daily skirmishes that have cropped up in many parts of the modern world has revealed that aspects of Windows Vista are consistently found within the framework of major terrorist cells worldwide.

Potential Hazards

According to the latest findings released by Dr. Henry P. McCoy (also known as Dr. Hank McCoy), Windows Vista is showing signs of evolving into a malignant entity. Calling this the Skynet virus, Dr. McCoy has urged the military leaders of the world to be ready to go on the offensive against Windows Vista should any suspicious incidents occur.

Computer programmer Thomas A. Anderson, who goes by the screen-name Neo, has raised yet another possibility; the world as we know it is but a dream, and that Skynet has already taken over the world, and humans are actually in a machine-induced coma, powering the vast supercomputer that Windows Vista has constructed for itself.

Apple PIE

Basics

The Apple PIE, or Apple Pan Island Expressway is a stretch of road or highway found in the country of Singapore. It is famous for being the first commercialised transport territory.

History

Originally merely named the Pan Island Expressway or PIE for short, the long stretch of highway served as the nation's primary route of travel, stretching the whole of Singapore's 700 kilometres. It was paved and built in 199 by native Singaporeans, who were technologically and culturally superior to much of the world at the time.

After the completion of the highway, the people encountered a new problem: banditry. Faced with a difficult decision between social disaster and economic failure, then-leader of Singapore Fandi Ahmad commissioned the Land Transport Authority, or LTA. This elite group of assassins and ninjas answered solely to the monarchy of primeval Singapore, and still do to this day.

In 699, 500 years after the construction of the PIE, lane markings were installed to enhance safety and efficiency. This single modification to so simple a structure has been branded "the tweak that changed the world" by several historians and economists.

Commercialisation

Technological and manufacturing conglomerate Apple bought out the PIE in 1357, persuading the Singaporean monarch, Abbas Saad, to sell the road to them. While not hurting the Singaporean economy in extreme measures, the GDP of Singapore dropped by a shocking 298713% in the first year following the transaction. Despised by most of his people and government, Saad was exiled as a result.

As for Apple, the owners of the iPod cars and iBook reading materials, as well as other inventions like the iRan and the iRack, the transaction allowed them a stranglehold on the Singaporean audience, a situation which is still prevalent today.

To quell any uneasiness from the locals, Apple did sponsor the production of Singaporean films such as iNotStupid and The i.

Competition

After the success that Apple enjoyed due to such deals, other giants in various assorted industries followed suit.

Burger King Expressway (BKE): Not long after Apple, fast-food chain Burger King bought out the BKE.

Nike Institute of Education (NIE): Non-profit organisation Nike took over the National Institute of Education several years ago.

AYE (AYE): Formerly known as the Ayer Rajah Expressway, The South-East Asian Captain Sao Feng Appreciation Society Of South-East Asia (TSEACSFASOSEA) renamed it simply the AYE, in accordance to the popular pirate expression. This was done in honour of the man who discovered the country.