Hair

Basics

Hair or fur is usually made of several varieties of proteins and is naturally-occuring in many animals, especially mammals. Certain species of insects and arachnids have also been known to sport several distinct hair-styles.

Function

Hair is primarily used for visual communication amongst members of a certain species. As seen in several animals such as cats, hair (or fur) can be used to intimidate a rival in certain situations (ie, standing on end). Hair can also be used in attempts at courtship, as members of the homo sapiens species have even been recorded to colour or dye their hair, a feat unmatched in the rest of the animal kingdom.

Hair was originally thought to be used in homeostasis; specifically the maintenance of body temperature. However, upon rigorous testing by the Absolute Facts staff, we have found that this hypothesis is absurd. Over the course of several years, we here at Absolute Facts have proven time and time again that a hairy man feels just as cold as a bald man when asked to lie down in a blizzard.

Absolute Facts, has, however, discovered that hair has yet another role in higher-order mammals and organisms such as humans, apes and jellyfish. During the afore-mentioned experiment(s), Absolute Facts has uncovered the true nature of hair: memory retention.

Hair and Memory

After over 65 years, 7 months and 13 days of lying down in blizzards (in sub-Saharan Africa), our two test subjects had their memories tested. With overwhelmingly consistent results, every single one of our test subjects failed to recall the exact date of which they began the experiment. As all the subjects were by then bald, it is safe to assume that as hair loss advances, memory suffers; i.e. hair loss is inversely proportional to memory retention.

Hair in History

Many famous personalities in the course of human history have been sighted with hair. Some of them even have hair on their heads.

Adolf Hitler: German entrepeneur, he pioneered the industrial revolution of the country, resulting in the precision engineering that the region is famous for today. He sported a squarish tuft of hair above his upper lip, termed a moustache.

Johnny Bravo: Bravo is perhaps best known for his dazzling mind, which bordered on cataclysmic genius at times. Dr. Bravo once owned yellowish or golden hair, which many call blond, or blonde.

Carlos Valderrama: Colombian dictator, Valderrama's reign of terror resulted in epic numbers of South Americans turning to the illegal trade of drugs, cigars and footballs to fund a semi-normal life of poverty. He was usually spotted with a large, round projection of hair called an afro, and was succeeded by his son Wilmer. The younger Valderrama was left an orphan after his father disappeared before revealing who his real mother was, prompting him to take on a self-imposed quest to find out who his mother (or Momma) is.

Hulk Hogan: Not to be confused with professional wrestler The Incredible Hulk, Hogan was a fictional superhero created by Walt Disney to satisfy the hormonal urges of their teenage audience. Hogan usually appeared as having yellow hair on his head, though much of it started disappearing later on in the plot.

Zinedine Zidane: Zidane is a suspected terrorist who lived much of his adult life hidden away in the Third-World countries of Italy and France. After being tracked down and apprehended by crack detetive Marco Materrazi, Zidane managed to fend off authorities by inflicting Materazzi with what appeared to be a lethal blow to the sternum, and escaped. Zidane is unique in being one of the few positively identified terrorists without a full beard or hair on his head.

Hair in Military and Sport

Many national militaries require their men to shave their heads regularly. While many believe this is to symbolise "equality" or "submission" or even "a new life", Absolute Facts has found that the hair shorn from the scalps of these brave men and women and other humans is actually recycled as combat rations.

In sport, many atheletes involved in speed-related events such as Track & Field and Swimming usually shave their heads and bodies to adopt a more streamlined shape so as to improve performances. In this field, hair is also used as the main ingredient of "sports drinks" as Gatorade and 100 Plus.