Umbrella

The umbrella is an ancient technological invention that is still widely used in today's world. Originally designed by Ella Ella A A A (who also invented AAA Batteries), it has been in existence for nearly four centuries, preceding lasers, the internet and even Absolute Facts.

History

The umbrella is the brainchild of several years of research and study conducted by Ella Ella A A A in post-Alexandran Portugal in 1532. It is believed that the original goal of this study was to formulate a cure for the common cold, though after the creation of the umbrella (and several disastrous attempts to remedy sneezing with it), human soceity was forever changed.

Practical Uses

After it was found that it was largely ineffective in curing the cold, many religious leaders around the world saw the artifact as a holy symbol. Up to this day, the vast majority of organised religions in the world have some sort of umbrella worship imbued in their teachings.

The most common use for the umbrella is as a personal descending intermediary, similar to a parachute. As electricity is scarce in over 98% of the world, escalators installed in buildings are often deemed unusable. As such, an umbrella is used when an individual jettisons him- or herself from a higher altitude to reach a much lower level.

Some have also found that the lubricant found within every umbrella (a silverish, gel-like liquid) can be used to rejuvenate the skin.

Other uses for the umbrella include as a weapon (in ancient Sparta) and as an adult toy.

Commercialisation

While it was originally intended to be readily available to the masses, consumerism eventually overwhelmed the charity work that Ella Ella A A A had carried out for generations. In 2007, the patents and rights of the umbrella were acquired by the multinational Rihanna corporation, though several imitation versions of the umbrella are still circulated.

Malaysia

Malaysia is a country situated in South-East Asia, just North of historical neighbours and rivals Singapore, and South of Thailand and Nigeria.

History

Discovered in 1322 by British explorer Alan Shearer, Malaysia has existed somewhat peacefully, having escaped most of the major wars and skirmishes that have peppered the region. Originally named "Big Crowded Hazy Land" by Shearer, it was later renamed Malaysia after the language of Malay was officially adopted as the official tongue during the coup of 1843, carried out by Siti Nurhaliza.

Government - Past & Present

Prior to Nurhaliza's coup, the country functioned with a largely feudal system, similar to what was practised in ancient Japan. With each regional leader, or Tengku, reporting to a common emperor, whose identity was only known to a select few.

Since 1843, many forms of government have existed in Malaysia, often at once. While ministers and members of parliament are appointed (not elected), at least one Sultan also serves, suggesting a primitive monarchy of sorts.

Judicial System

Malaysia is unique in that in many instances, its police officers have total control over the judicial process. Many members of their police department have been known to hand out hefty fines (as much as RM$50) for a speeding offence on any of their major highways.

While many attribute this to bribery and corruption, Malaysian authorities point out that this reduces the strain on the over-worked legal department, which will then be more capable to deal with other, more pressing matters such as sodomy and religeous sacriledge.

Culture & Population

The population of Malaysia is at time of writing unknown, as many attempts to measure the number of people in the nation have failed miserably, either due to the lack of counting ability on the part of officials, or the reluctance of foreign experts to participate in any such study.

Malaysia is populated by people of many races, with the Malaysian authorities quick to harp about them being "truly Asia" as this might suggest. However, recent studies conducted by Absolute Facts have hinted that this might not be true as originally thought. Our findings, headed by leading Genetic Culinary Surveyor Dr. Tran, have shed light on the matter of Malaysian heritage in this day and age; that many "Malaysians" are not really human at all.

Like many other Asian countries, sport is enjoyed by much of the nation. As well as football, sepak takraw, goli and chap-teh, the extreme sport of Highway Robbery is also becoming increasingly popular among its people. This new sport is a blend of street-racing and mugging, often involving forced sexual assault, with high rewards.

Unfortunately, as Malaysia is the only country that both advocates this sport as well as not punishing its participants, many tourists and visitors are left bewildered when accidentally becoming involved in the events of Highway Robbery.

Economy

The official currency of Malaysia is the Malaysian Ringgit or "Ringgit Malaysia" in Malay, represented by RM$. As a currency, its value changes haphazardly, though it usually stays above the threshold that is frequented by the Indonesian Rupiah.

As a result, many from nearby countries choose to do grocery shopping in Malaysia, as products found there (such as cigarettes and DVD's) are quite often cheaper than what is found locally.

Attractions

The nation of Malaysia boasts many a splendid attraction, which, coupled with its blisteringly sub-oceanic economy, serves to invite many to visit its shores.

Sunway Lagoon: Originally built as a water theme-park, it has since evolved into the most popular destination for parched individuals. Once called "The Urban Oasis", it is the largest source of drinkable water in the whole country.

Kuala Lumpur: A city of mud (lumpur translates to mud from Malay to English), many wade into Kuala Lumpur, or KL, in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the famous mud igloos that are unique to the region.

Genting Highlands: The mountain range is the only place in the world where "mudboarding" (snowboarding on mud) is available on a regular basis.

Weight

Weight is a term which refers to the measurement of the force of gravity on a body of mass. Originally coined by Roger Federer during a study on metaphysical theology in 1998, the term has been widely accepted in many circles (note: Mr Federer never received a Doctorate/award for his discovery due to his untimely death at the hands of a poorly-thrown sheep).

Weight is derived by calculating the force exerted on a body of mass due to gravity by the formula:

Weight = (Mass X Gravity)/Race

As stated above, weight is also affected by a variable known as race.

Weight Loss

It is observed that losing weight can be a very difficult task for many members of the human species. After extensive research in the fields of biology, physics, chemistry and ninjitsu, Absolute Facts has found the true explanation behind this depressing phenomenon.

As light is known to be the fastest object, force or energy source in the multiverse, its complement, heavy, is logically the slowest. As such, losing weight, or being less heavy, can be a painstakingly slow process, often leading to weight gain instead.

The above is explained by the fact that heavy travels so slowly as to almost have a negative (-ve) velocity. Because of this, many who attempt to reduce their weight often fall prey to the laws of physics and end up gaining it instead.

Weight & Racial Bias

As previously mentioned, weight is also affected by one's race. Different races have been observed to be perceived differently by others, as well as differ in terms of weight gain and loss.

A prime example of this observation of the Weight Theory is that of the consuming of food. An average Caucasian adult male might gain a relatively large proportion of his weight when eating a whole cat, while an adult tiger would not gain as much proportionally to the man.

Irony Man

Irony Man is a popular fictional hero set in the Wonder Comics universe. Originally penned in 1892, Irony Man has changed little since then, captivating readers the world over through a combination of brilliant writing and breath-taking illustration and unique crayon shading.

History

Unlike such characters from the Wonder Comics universe like The Magnet, One-Eye, Professor W or BAMF-Man, Irony Man was not "born" with any powers, ie, his powers have been "obtained artificially" and are "not naturally occuring" (similar to characters like Captain Planet and Mosquito-Man).

His first appearance in 1892 was in Unusual W-Men #1337 as the arrogant, selfish billionaire Tony Stahk who is approached by the W-Men in an attempt to thwart the evil Rita Repulsa. Shocking readers all over the globe, Stahk refuses the plea, apparently consigning the world to its doom.

Stahk's best friend, however, who later became Battle Machine, persuaded him to rethink his stance, and after much deliberation, Stahk agreed to aid the W-Men in their defence of the world.

Donning a state-of-the art metallic suit that enabled him near God-like powers, Irony Man turned the tide of the battle between the W-Men and the forces of Rita Repulsa in what has come to be referred to by comic buffs as Helm's Gate, an epic saga that revolutionised the graphic novel industry.

Irony Man has since played an integral role in many of Wonder Comics' major story arcs, having key parts in the Gulf War, Vampires and Age of Empires sagas.

Powers

Irony Man is fitted with a full-body suit that grants him several abilities, supassing even those of his close friend Battle Machine and Captain Planet.

Flight: Using turbocharged boots, Irony Man can attain speeds of up to Mach 0.3 in space. His suit, however, does not allow him to breathe in a vacuum.

Beams: Irony Man has several blasters, lasers and death rays at his disposal. In the penultimate issue of the Age of Empires series, Irony Man focuses the power of his suit to destroy the White House and melt both the polar ice caps at the same time, saving the world. He is also able to kill a yak from 200 yards with Mind Bullets.

Strength: Assisted by his suit, Irony Man is able to lift objects more than twice his weight. In Ultimate Irony Man #8, Irony Man is shown to lift a tortoise, saving the trapped Butterfly-Man.

Surveillance: Irony Man's suit is also fitted with GPS and Bluetooth, allowing him the stay in touch with allies and spy on enemies. Many compare this feature of his suit with the top-end Nokia cell-phones that are only just circulating in the present day.

In addition to the above, Irony Man is also able to withstand immense forces, making him one of the hardiest characters in the Wonder Universe. In Ultimate Irony Man #666, Irony Man faces against God, Lucifer, Satan, David Blaine and Chuck Norris at once, and prevails as none of the assorted deities were able to defeat him.

Trivia

Irony Man is often referred to in various media texts throughout history, dating back to primitive cave paintings in ancient Brunei. More recently, though it is said that Irony Man was based on the real-life exploits of VR Man, a disputed fact that has yet to be resolved at time of writing.

Bruce Almighty: In this sequel to The Passion of the Christ, Irony Man's influence is obvious as the main character is able to stand up to and, at times, defy God.

Evan Almighty: The third installment of Minnie Driver's epic movie trilogy, the ark that is used near the end of the movie bears a striking resemblance to certain elements of Irony Man's suit.

A Few Good Men: The classic musical starring Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise is remembered for the line "You can't handle the truth!" during an exchange between the two men, a direct homage to Irony Man's famous battle cry.

Robocop: While it has been found that any resemblance to Irony Man's suit of armour is but a coincidence, the line "Friends call me Murphy, you call me Robocop." is also lifted from Irony Man's first solo novel, which ends with the line "Friends call me Irony Man. You call me Irony Man."

Black Eyed Peas

Black Eyed Peas are a variety of pea, which is, in fact, a fruit (despite many believing that it is a marsupial). This species grows very well in nearly any climate, though recent changes in the fields of science, sociology and law have led to many facets of this commodity being separated.

Appearance

Although many dispute the exact appearance of the Black Eyed Peas, the majority of experts that Absolute Facts have hired, interviewed and commisioned have come to the conclusion that as with all dynamic fluxes involving egos, rumps and rapping, any single description would be inadequate. Thus, Absolute Facts has refrained from infringing on what cannot be described.

Use & Consuming

Consuming Black Eyed Peas is generally thought to be dangerous, as well as lethal, and, in severe cases, fatal. Several after-effects and hazardous symptoms arise from the ingesting, inhaling, excretion, secretion or fornication of this rare fruit.

The most common effect from any absorption of Black Eyed Peas is the degeneration of brain matter into its basic constituents of jam, cabbage and yoghurt. The acclaimed necro-nympho-neuro-surgeon Dr. Fergie has treated hordes of patients suffering from the loss of mental capacity due to Black Eyed Peas. Many of these unfortunate individuals even go on to suffer from mental retardation, screaming such profanities as "Lets get retarded!" and "Shut up!" when being treated (Fergie, Bridging the Gap, p3).

Hallucination is also a frequent complaint from many individuals who come into close proximity with this herb. Many report irresistable urges to attempt to locate intangible objects, wandering around their places of residence asking, for example, "Where is the love?"

The only known organism still alive today that can safely consume the Black Eyed Peas is a rare animal named the Elephunk, a species of chipmunk characterised by its strange purple hide and blue nose. Click here for an Absolute Facts exclusive image of an Elephunk in its native habitat.

Black Eyed Peas are also thought to be used as a form of currency by certain primates in the regions of Hong Kong and Tanzania. Feral Primate Expert Prof Will I Am has labelled this startling observation a form of "monkey business."

One industrial use of Black Eyed Peas is the refining of the fruit to be used as a key ingredient to the popular herbal remedy milky milky cocoa puffs, which is used to treat assorted ailments that assail one's prosterior and other curved and/or cavernous regions of the body.

Future

Several governmental organisations have been formed to combat the growing threat that Black Eyed Peas pose to the world's economy and ecology. Many of these groups have banded together to form what is now known as APL.DE.AP (the Alliance Promoting Legislative and Democratic Exile of Aggressive Peas) in an effort to encourage the extinction of this vague threat to humanity.

As Absolute Facts has always existed to serve, protect, educate and elucidate the human race, we too have pledged our support for this noble cause, as can be seen by the insignia on your right-hand panel.

See also TSEACSFASOSEA

Bengawan Solo

Bengawan Solo is a fictional character portrayed several times in the extended Star Wars universe created by Dennis Rodman. Although he has been played by several top-notch names in Hollywood, he is most remembered as the dashing hero in the fourteenth episode of the Star Wars saga, released in 2003.

Background

Originally written as the clone of the anti-hero character Han Solo, his huge popularity with the audience prompted the producers, Pat Sajak and Vanna White, to reinvent the Bengawan Solo persona in forthcoming installments.

After his debut in Episode IX, Bengawan Solo is revealed to be the younger brother of his brother Han, originally played by Harrison Ford. In Episode X, this revelation arises after the two speak while attempting to escape the clutches of a band of multi-coloured aliens with communication devices embedded in their bellies (more properly known as Teletubbies).

Filmography

As previously mentioned, Bengawan Solo has appeared in every Star Wars since his debut in Episode IX, and has regularly been thought of the most important character up till the latest episode(s).

Episode 9 (Galactic Park): Played by LL Cool J, he is first portrayed as a mysterious, nameless assassin whose name is only revealed near the end of the movie.

Episode 10 (The Lost Worlds): Much of the movie focuses on the relationship between Han and Begawan Solo, as Bengawan realizes the error of his ways. Played by Robin Williams.

Episode 11 (Fellowship of the Sith): Here, Bengawan Solo embarks on a mission to destroy an ancient Sith artifact, together with several key members of the Star Wars universe. Played by Elijah Wood.

Episode 12 (The Two Jedi): Still starring Elijah Wood, Bengawan faces several challanges in the afore-mentioned quest, including the death of several party members.

Episode 13 (Return of the Sith): The last incarnation of Elijah Wood's Bengawan Solo, he at last destroys the artifact. This installment is also noted for its similarities to the earlier Return of the Jedi episode.

Episode 14 (The Perfect Stormtrooper): The latest episode in the Star Wars saga, Bengawan Solo is played by Denzel Washington, and is captured by the Sith.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is then responsible for the eventual destruction of the Sith, though he is forced to sacrifice his life in the process.

South Africa

South Africa is, despite its extremely misleading name, a country located in the Northern region of Asia, in close proximity to Hong Kong and India. It is populated by approximately 8 million individuals, a number which fluctuates wildly in accordance to the seasons.

Culture

South Africans largely subscribe to a number of different religions, though most of the said faiths practice ritual sacrifice during every season except winter, thus explaining the above-mentioned inconsistent figures of the nation's population.

While South Africa has been considered a "developed" country for many years now, the surprising fact that the vast majority of its people are not capable of reading maps of any form or simplicity.

History

Having been believed to have been situated in the continent of Africa for most of its existence, Prof. Lauren Caitlin Upton, the famous American philosophical geographer based in South Carolina, made public various ground-breaking facts which proved that the country was indeed Asian in origin, like the Iraq.

As mentioned before, the fact that nearly every able-bodied South African alive is currently unable to read or interpret a map had led to the confusion over the geographical orientation of the nation. Prof. Upton has since expressed her concerns that this needs to be rectified as soon as possible, a sentiment shared by many of her supporters.

Since the landmark announcement in 2007, the country has been in turmoil, with major changes in its government, infrastructure, economy and education system.

Linkin Park

Linkin Park is known as the world's most advanced scientific research institute. Based in Aguora Hills in California, this facility has contributed immensely to much of the modern world, in the areas of health and medical care, defense, space exploration, genetics, bio-engineering and quantum mechanics.

History

Originally founded by famed Japanese ventriloquist Mikasuharu "Mike" Shinoda and Nobel-prize winner Chester Bennington, the facility has grown to mammoth propotions in recent years.

Architecture

It is said that Linkin Park covers a land area equivalent to the land mass of Greenland and Tibet, though the exact figure has never been accurately measured.

The most prominent feature of the compound would be the huge clock tower which dominates the skyline, and is visible from the moon. Indeed, Absolute Facts has discovered that NASA has since removed all time-keeping devices from their space shuttles to reduce weight and maximise feul efficiency, seeing as how their personnel need only peer out their vehicle to check the time. This clock is said to be the most accurate time-piece in the known universe, and is regularly used to synchronize other appliances in a procedure known as Minutes to Midnight.

Notable Contributions

The Linkin Park facility, as mentioned earlier, has had countless creations and discoveries integrated into modern-day society.

Hybrid Theory: One of their earliest discoveries, this theory revolutionised the way we looked at genetics, history and fishing. It is the basis of such programs as The Human Genome Project and YouTube.

In The Ant: A joint-venture with National Geographic, the award-winning series explored the inner workings of the common ant, providing new insights on the insect world and hive mentality.

The Linkin Park facility has also designed several counselling, rehabilitation and therapy techniques which have been adopted throughout the globe. In addition to early successes with treating individuals who succumb to uncontrolled Crawling, the facility has also successfully found new, ground-breaking ways for people Breaking The Habit of smoking. The Linkin Park facility has also eased the suffering of anyone aflicted with a Papercut, and had previously discovered the Cure For The Itch.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Disorder is a medical condition that afflicts the polar bear (ursus maritimus) population in many parts of he world. While little is known of the plethora of diseases and ailments that many mammals suffer, Absolute Facts has been able to obtain first-hand, accurate and exclusive information of the above-mentioned condition.

Symptoms

The main symptom of this disease is, of course, the skewing of a polar bear's sexual orientation. This accounts for the naming of the condition (bipolar). In addition to this dangerous observation, many symptoms that are consistent with rabies, HIV, cancer and hay fever also menifest themselves from time to time.

Causes

After extensive research by the Polar Bear Research Department here at Absolute Facts, we have found that the vast majority of polar bears suffering from Bipolar Disorder have been found to possess several undescended chromosomes, fused with spin-spin coupling as a direct result of exposure to harmful emissions of Greenhouse Gases.

With the evidence in hand, Absolute Facts has enlisted the aid of the world's premier Bear Genetician Dr. Baban Hasnat to study possible methods to remedy and rectify this sad situation.

History

Despite the fact that Bipolar Disorder was originally thought to be a rare condition (estimates of 0.0000061% have been quoted from The Wall Street Journal), we here at Absolute Facts have proved otherwise, with our in-depth research and analysis.

In 1852, our leading scientists and stuntmen carried out an experiment whereby a male polar bear known to be suffering from Bipolar Disorder was set in an enclosure with two possible routes to take. The polar bear was first starved for approximately two weeks, with the rationale that a hungry and deprived polar bear would only make basic natural decisions, uninfluenced by anything "artificial", ie, such a specimen would only have its basic needs in mind.

The first route led to a female polar bear, while the other led to a human male. In almost every instance of the massive experiment, our polar bear chose to take the path that led to the male. Strangely enough, the test bear also displayed high levels of aggression towards our male human.

Continuous repetition of this experiment has shown that even polar bears which have not been disgnosed with Bipolar Disorder exhibit behaviour consistent with bears that are known to be suffering from the condition.

From this experiment, Absolute Facts has concluded that the proportion of polar bears suffering from Bipolar Disorder is very much higher than the relatively low numbers originally estimated by such entities as The Wall Street Journal.

Consequences

The uncontrolled spread of Bipolar Disorder has led to the polar bear being put on the endangered species list, as many polar bears inevitably die while attempting to procreate with a member of the same gender; an act which ultimately leads to violent confrontations and/or uncontrollable bleeding and lacerations from various orifices.

CAT Scan

The CAT Scan is a modern day medical procedure that is widely used in many developed countries to assist medical practicioners in their day-to-day proceedings. Using an array of ultrasonic, ultraviolet and magical components, this procedure has saved countless lives and families over the past two centuries.

Technical Information

As its name obviously implies, the CAT Scan is used to detect harmful quantities of cats in humans and other organisms. Like Oxygen, Sugar and Vanilla, cats have been found to contain many beneficial properties, but are dangerous in high doses. As mentioned earlier, the CAT Scan makes use of various parts of the electromagnetic spectrum, as well as audio-visual and chemical cues to make a divinely-accurate analysis of a sample of tissue.

History

The CAT Scanner (the machine used to perform a CAT Scan) was developed and invented by little-known Taiwanese autonomic technician Yao Ming as he sought to discover a way to alter facial features, eye angle and orientation in particular. During a self-imposed exile in the bowels of his secret lab in Pyong Na, Northern Taiwan, Yao put together the world's first CAT Scanner, believing that he had indeed invented something altogether different.

Upon the activation of his creation, Yao was shocked and dismayed to discover that his original goals remained unfulfilled, and he was on the brink of wrecking the machine when it emitted a strange sound. Being the religiously pious scientist that he was, Yao decided not to destroy the machine until he pinpointed the source of that sound.

Absolute Facts, with the use of the DeLorean Time-Travel Car, has found that the CAT scanner created by Yao was responding to a platter of deep-fried cat viscera that Yao's wife, Ming Yao, had prepared for their dinner.

The first documented case whereby a CAT Scan has been directly responsible for the prolonging of a life was the now-famous incident that many refer to as Saving Private Ryan.

Private Ryan

Private James Francis Ryan, an American Paratrooper who landed on the moon in 1872, was diagnosed by resident witch-doctors of the US Armed Forces Medical Corps as having "chronic felidae syndrome" upon return to Earth. While quarantined in a military hospital for nearly 14 months, 24 days and 19 minutes, officials of the CDC, WHO and PAP raced against time to identify a cure for the illness, seeing as how Private Ryan was the first one in human history to have been afflicted with it.

Fortunately for Private Ryan, attending physicians Dr. John "J.D." Michael Dorian and Dr. Meredith Grey were familiar with the as-of-yet untested CAT Scanner, and they put forward a brave plan to use the machine on Private Ryan in a last-ditch attempt to save the man's life.

With little time left to save his life, doctors agreed to the unorthodox treatment, and they found a kitten within Private Ryan, lodged between his esophagus and his rectum. How the kitten got there remains a mystery to this date. Minor surgery was quickly scheduled to remove the malignant feline, and Private Ryan made a speedy recovery. A picture of the cat removed from the body of Private Ryan exists today, and Absolute Facts is proud to be able to share it with our loyal readers, by simply clicking here.

While they were but names in the annals of human healthcare, Private Ryan, Dr. Dorian and Dr. Grey have played significant roles in the advancement of medicine, and there are plans to film movies and/or television specials to honour their contribution to our race.

Sugar Ray

The Sugar Ray is the common name for the somewhat-rare species of stingray found in the waters off the North Coast of California. Discovered by marine biologist Mark McGrath in 1992, it has rarely been caught on camera or documented in recent times. Originally given the scientific name Shrinky Dinx by Dr. McGrath, the term Sugar Ray was widely adopted as the creature's popularity escalated to mammoth proportions. Officially, the scientific name for the Sugar Ray is Himantura Sucrosa.

Anatomy

The Sugar Ray is a large animal, measuring anywhere between 4 to 19 feet in length. It has an even larger wingspan, though nearly every specimen that has been caught or observed has had length-to-wingspan proportions of 14:59.

Like other members of the ray and shark family, the Sugar Ray has no skeletal structure to speak of, and instead has an internal support of cartilage, enforced by a rigid outer skin. However, Absolute Facts has found, through extensive testing, that upon exposure to certain sub- and ultrasonic frequencies, the Sugar Ray falls apart. In extreme cases, the ringing of a typical telephone can lead to the untimely demise of so majestic a creature. This fact has led to the commonplace saying of "Answer the Phone" when diving.

Diet

Unsurprisingly, little is known of the diet of the Sugar Ray, though divers have reported that they are particularly fond of lemonade and brownies.

Hunting

Like many great and beautiful animals, the Sugar Ray has suffered due to the actions of Man. Its population has dwindled to near-dangerous levels, mainly due to hunting activities carried out in parts of tropical Afghanistan and Romania, where the Sugar Ray effectively supports the whole economy through the harvesting and export of its organs and body parts.

Sugar Ray Products

Other than the common leather apparel and accessories such as thongs and lingerie that Sugar Ray skin are mainly made into, Sugar Ray leather is also used in the production of modern-day steering wheels found in most automobiles. The afore-mentioned property of tensile instability that this substance is famous for is perfect for the deployment of an airbag without the risk of a plastic/metal plate slamming into an unfortunate driver/victim.

Unbeknownst to the vast majority of the public, Sugar Rays are also bred and milked extensively in certain parts of South America and the Pacific Rim to produce Sugar Cane Juice, a popular drink in many parts of the world.

Saturday Night Fever

Basics

Saturday Night Fever is a relatively rare disease that occurs in higher primates and other mammals. Characterised by sudden and abrupt changes in behaviour and vocal pitch, it was fairly common many decades ago, but is now considered close to extinct, though traces of this ailment still crop up from time to time.

Named after the unusual way the disease only appears on Saturday nights, no known cure has been found for this mysterious illness. It was first discovered and named by genetic pathologist John Travolta in 1977, after a spate of unknown deaths in North America.

Symptoms

Patients who contract Saturday Night Fever suffer mainly from the afore-mentioned changes in behaviour and raised vocal pitches, though other symptoms do appear under certain conditions. A rise in body temperature also usually accompanies these symptoms, with patients having reported internal body temperatures of up to 67 degrees Celsius.

The behavioural changes that were previously mentioned usually menifest themselves in the form of the tendency to wear tight leather attire and to maintain vast bushes of hair.

Treatment

Unfortunately, Saturday Night Fever is untreatable, with many of the individuals suffering from it collapsing into uncontrollable mental dysfunction within a short period of time. Medical practitioners have, however, found that a lobotomy can often prolong a patient's life expectancy by a significant amount of time, though the patient(s) would obviously have to remain incapacitated for the remainder of their life.

Al-Qaeda

Basics

Al-Qaeda is a recent meteorological phenomenon said to have originated from the Middle East. Somewhat similar to other weather anomalies like El-Nino, La-Nina and El-Mariachi, Al-Qaeda is, however, unique in that unlike the other, more common and established weather peculiarities, it has no roots in any Latin-speaking country.

History

As previously mentioned, Al-Qaeda is believed to have originated in the Middle East (not to be confused with the Lower East or Near East). Discovered by famed astrophysicist Jean Claude Van-Damme in the early 90's, it went largely unnoticed until the turn of the century, where a spate of freak incidents all over the world culminated in Al-Qaeda to become the focal point of much of the global news network.

Observations

Like the other weather irregularities, Al-Qaeda drastically alters the climate and weather patterns of the affected area(s) that encounter it. In most instances, the main change is Geoprecipitation, which effectively translates into a "Rain of Rocks". No-one knows for sure what causes this effect, but as one might imagine, it has led to huge damages and loss of life. The above-mentioned Van-Damme is creditted as the one who discovered this occurence, using a device called a Nephoscope to observe and make recordings of the clouds. (The word Nephoscope is derived from the Greek words nepho, meaning "cloud," and scope, meaning "to view")

Action Against Al-Qaeda

The United States of America has valiantly spearheaded the fight against this blight, labelling this noble act to save the world as The War on TERROR (The Extremely Radical Rain Of Rock). This move, however, has been violently opposed by members of the TALIBAN (The Allied Liberated Institutions Banning American Nephoscopes).

As both sides are currently at a stalemate (though certain media outlets have reported otherwise), Absolute Facts is unable to provide any more detailed information on this scenario. One can only hope that humanity prevails, and that the Earth's weather is saved, for the good of us all.

World of Warcraft

Basics

The World of Warcraft or WOW, as it is known in astronomical circles, is a newly-discovered planet on the outer rim of our Solar System. It is unique in being the only other planet in the universe that is known to have human life on it, as well as many other species of organisms.

Location & Geography

Usually located about 1937561444228881 kilometres from Pluto, WOW, like Uranus, has an orbit that is not circular in nature. This strange fact causes the world's distance from the earth to fluctuate haphazardly, at times.

The surface of WOW, like Earth, is covered by either water or land mass, with the continent of Kalimdor dominating the surface of the planet. In Kalimdor, cities such as Stormwind City, Ironforge, The Undercity and Ogrimmar are found, providing shelter for the vast numbers of organisms that call WOW their home.

Life

As previously mentioned, WOW is home to many forms of life, including human. Such organisms include Yetis, Flayers, Ghouls, Whelps, Goretusks, Kobolds, Orcs, Ogres, Plainstriders, Ursas, Raptors, Zhevras and Timberlings. While humans are also present on WOW, they are not strictly native to the planet, finding themselves there via Blizzard Portals.

Blizzard

Humans find themselves on WOW via Blizzard, a phenomenon that allows interplanetary travel between the two planets. Using Blizzard, people are able to enter WOW, engage in a variety of activities and directly influence the conditions in WOW itself.

Such technology has its drawbacks, however. Certain humans have found themselves killed, or worse, after what they have termed lag or ping. Absolute Facts has found that this unfortunate occurence in the design of the grand scheme of things is due to the above-mentioned orbit of WOW. As the distances between the two planets are never constant, humans on Earth that also inhabit WOW experience such breaks in reality, often to disastrous results.

Tiger Woods

Basics

Tiger Woods is the common name for the temperate woodland located in the vicinity of Peninsular Mozambique. While called by its natural name Ay'!Kong !ChakLay, the above-mentioned term is much more widely-used than its root origins. Spanning approximately 900 metric tonnes, Tiger Woods envelops much of Mozambique and parts of Rhode Island when one views its land area.

Flora & Fauna

The region is named so for good reason; huge mutant tigers roam the woods, throwbacks to the Chernobyl space-station distaster that left so much of the world irrepably scarred. These tigers are known to grow to be as large as elephants, and have been clocked at speeds of up to Mach 4.7 when pursuing prey. Absolute Facts has managed to obtain several specimens of the giant feline, though upon discussion with our Departments of Valued Ethical Morality, we have come to the conclusion that releasing such information would be detrimental to the mental, emotional and vehicular health of all parties involved.

Due to the tigers' ability to effectively take over any food chain it is inserted into, they remain the only forms of sentient life that inhabit the region, other than a small herd of unicorns that have evolved to escape the cats through flight.

The plants that grow in Tiger Woods resemble California Giant Redwoods, though they reach up to 70 miles higher than the average of that species. In addition, the trees have come to grow bark of the strength and consistency of titanium. Botanists have agreed that this startling observation is due to the fact that the trees need exponentially strong trunks to support their mass, which is furthur complicated by the fact that the fruit they bear at the very highest branches often outweigh the tigers mentioned previously.

Despite the tigers' vastly superior hunting and survival prowess, their ability to multiply is severely hampered by the fact that their high running speeds, coupled with the frighteningly-strong, immovable obstacles that the local vegetation provide, lead to several accidental deaths per year. Leading Mutant Tiger expert Dr. Dre has estimated that as much as 95% of their population never makes it past their first three years.

Exports & Media

Various products available all over the world are made with susbtances found specifically in Tiger Woods, with the excellent quality and uniqueness of these items attributed directly to the radioactive isotopes that are found solely in the organisms that are found in the region.

Tiger Beer: Perhaps the most famous product of the area, this brewed beverage is made from the distilled urine of the tigers of the woodland, and is fermented for nine months to enhance the shine.

Nike Apparel: Multinational employment agency Nike uses the image of Tiger Woods to entice volunteers to help out in their humanitarian efforts across many Third-World countries.

Predator: The hit sitcom starring Danny DeVito was filmed in Tiger Woods and released in 1990, smashing several cinematic records and winning the "Best Sitcom Filmed in a Radioactive Woodland" award the following year.

Packard Bell: The world's leading bell manufacturer, supplying bells to churches, schools and other institutional building across the globe, Packard Bell makes use of the lightweight, malleable and fornicated bark of the native trees in Tiger Woods to produce high-quality acousitc devices.

Rocky: Once hailed as "the greatest silent film ever produced" by Ian Thorpe, Rocky was based on the true story of a man lost in Tiger Woods. The film also featured a musical score comprising solely of the track Eye of the Tiger, a tribute to the animals found there.

Windows Vista

Basics

Windows Vista is the latest graphical operating system (OS) released by Microsoft. Since it's worldwide release on 30th Feb 2007, there has been much debate regarding the use and stability of this system.

History

Originally developed by leading computer engineer Tony Hawk, Windows Vista promised to be a "next-gen" OS, capable of processing vast amounts of information at breakneck speeds, all the while maintaining a sleek and soothing appearance and a user-friendly interface.

Upon commencement of Beta-testing for the system, however, several flaws began to emerge. Many of these flaws even seemed to override the fundamental laws of Physics, Biology and Poetry, and as a result, Microsoft suffered heavy blows to their credibility, and Mr Hawk was fired.

Tony Hawk was then replaced by former associate Emile Heskey. British-based Heskey, however, managed to lead Vista's development team into even more dire straits, and he, too, was promptly terminated by Microsoft.

To this date, several hundred experts in the fields of computer science, genetic engineering and molecular colonoscopy have been tasked with the excruciating job of enhancing Vista, though all have failed at time of writing.

Vista-Related Incidents

As previously mentioned, the use of Windows Vista has led to several catastrophes and disasters all over the world. While the scale of death and destruction is varied, the enormity and gravity of the situation has not been lost on spiritual leaders and philosophers across the globe, who have branded Vista as one of the "new horsemen" of the impending apocalypse (together with Bill O'Reilly, Pepsi and Proton Saga).

A few weeks before the official release of Windows Vista, an employee at Microsoft managed to steal the source code of the system, storing it in his mobile phone. However, the data corrupted the device, causing it to transform into an aggressive killing machine. To this date, 186 people have been gunned down by the rogue cell phone, and it is still at large.

Windows Vista has also been proven to be the cause of the apparently alarming number of internet porn sites that have been found in recent months. After extensive studies of these sites, Absolute Facts has correctly concluded that the web-pages are not, in fact, pornographic in nature, but "normal", everyday blogs and MySpace accounts. Due to the insipid nature of Windows Vista, however, the pictures and videos posted on these sites have been distorted to resemble pornographic material.

Windows Vista is also suspected to be behind the recent spate of terror attacks on the free world. According to the Global Defense Initiative (GDI), investigation on the daily skirmishes that have cropped up in many parts of the modern world has revealed that aspects of Windows Vista are consistently found within the framework of major terrorist cells worldwide.

Potential Hazards

According to the latest findings released by Dr. Henry P. McCoy (also known as Dr. Hank McCoy), Windows Vista is showing signs of evolving into a malignant entity. Calling this the Skynet virus, Dr. McCoy has urged the military leaders of the world to be ready to go on the offensive against Windows Vista should any suspicious incidents occur.

Computer programmer Thomas A. Anderson, who goes by the screen-name Neo, has raised yet another possibility; the world as we know it is but a dream, and that Skynet has already taken over the world, and humans are actually in a machine-induced coma, powering the vast supercomputer that Windows Vista has constructed for itself.

Apple PIE

Basics

The Apple PIE, or Apple Pan Island Expressway is a stretch of road or highway found in the country of Singapore. It is famous for being the first commercialised transport territory.

History

Originally merely named the Pan Island Expressway or PIE for short, the long stretch of highway served as the nation's primary route of travel, stretching the whole of Singapore's 700 kilometres. It was paved and built in 199 by native Singaporeans, who were technologically and culturally superior to much of the world at the time.

After the completion of the highway, the people encountered a new problem: banditry. Faced with a difficult decision between social disaster and economic failure, then-leader of Singapore Fandi Ahmad commissioned the Land Transport Authority, or LTA. This elite group of assassins and ninjas answered solely to the monarchy of primeval Singapore, and still do to this day.

In 699, 500 years after the construction of the PIE, lane markings were installed to enhance safety and efficiency. This single modification to so simple a structure has been branded "the tweak that changed the world" by several historians and economists.

Commercialisation

Technological and manufacturing conglomerate Apple bought out the PIE in 1357, persuading the Singaporean monarch, Abbas Saad, to sell the road to them. While not hurting the Singaporean economy in extreme measures, the GDP of Singapore dropped by a shocking 298713% in the first year following the transaction. Despised by most of his people and government, Saad was exiled as a result.

As for Apple, the owners of the iPod cars and iBook reading materials, as well as other inventions like the iRan and the iRack, the transaction allowed them a stranglehold on the Singaporean audience, a situation which is still prevalent today.

To quell any uneasiness from the locals, Apple did sponsor the production of Singaporean films such as iNotStupid and The i.

Competition

After the success that Apple enjoyed due to such deals, other giants in various assorted industries followed suit.

Burger King Expressway (BKE): Not long after Apple, fast-food chain Burger King bought out the BKE.

Nike Institute of Education (NIE): Non-profit organisation Nike took over the National Institute of Education several years ago.

AYE (AYE): Formerly known as the Ayer Rajah Expressway, The South-East Asian Captain Sao Feng Appreciation Society Of South-East Asia (TSEACSFASOSEA) renamed it simply the AYE, in accordance to the popular pirate expression. This was done in honour of the man who discovered the country.

Mats

This entry is pertaining to the humanoid sub-species mats. To obtain information on mats (floor ornament) or others, please refer to mats (disambiguation) which will be formed shortly.

Basics

The mat is a subspecies of the homo sapiens race, present mainly in the habitats of Singapore and Malaysia in South-East Asia. Not much has previously been known of the strange people, but Absolute Facts has uncovered everything you will need to know of them.

Appearance

The mat is usually similar in appearance to an adolescent of Malay origin. At times, however, this restriction gives way to folk of Indian or Arab descent, though a distinct Malay impression is often observed on the individual(s).

The typical garb of the mat, contrasting to "regular" people, almost always included tapered jeans. The full explanation for this phenomenon will be discussed in later sections of this entry.

Behaviour & Biology

Conversing mainly in Bahasa Melayu or Malay, mats often band together, though many experts refuse to categorise them as "social animals" like lions, elephants or chihuahuas. This is mainly due to them partaking in distinctly anti-social behaviour, though many psychologists maintain that their lifestyle is actually socially acceptable in their eyes, and hence they have their own social norms, morals and values.

Like many primitive cultures, mats have embraced music as a primary form of expression, gathering in great hordes under huge concrete constructs called HDB Blocks to strum instruments similar to guitars. Strikingly similar to contemporary "western" music, their "songs" can be directly compared to such classics from blue-jazz quartet Scorpions or boy-band Metallica.

One unexplained aspect of their behaviour is the tendency for mats to congregate in corners. In the much-publiscised experiments of acclaimed clinical zoological behaviorist Sir Elton John, mats were placed in a perfectly circular room. Lacking any corners to make their way to, they began to wander around aimlessly, eventually lapsing into fits of despair, confusion and hysteria.

A possible explanation for this anomaly is the fact that tapered genes are present in every mat in existence. Like hereditary genetic diseases like Sickle Cell Anemia and Fragile-Y Syndrome, certain discrepancies in the genetic make-up of the racial stock of the mats have led to the widespread manifestation of this behaviour.

Spiritual leaders have dismissed the above notion, arguing instead that the reason mats seek corners is due to a fundamental desire to do good for the world; corners invariably have right angles. Their hypothesis is that the mats are subliminally attracted to such angles as they strive for righteousness.

Others

While the term mat or mats is used when referring to the males of the species, females are referred to as minah (MEE-NAH) or minahs, not to be confused with the endangered and protected bird of prey, the mynah.

Golf

Basics

Golf is a professional sport played by humans. It has grown in prominence in the 21st century and now sits at the pinnacle of the sports entertainment industry, with billions of dollars spent on its development, exhibition and distribution every week.

Gameplay

The game of golf involves a group of players, either singly or in a team, working their way towards a hole from a starting point called the tee. Contrary to popular belief, however, the aim of the game is not to place the ball in the hole - for that would be quite simple - but a more challenging goal of making sure the hit ball does not fall into the hole itself. Bonus points are scored for successive attempts where the ball moves in close proximity to the hole.

The ball itself is made of a carbon fibre exterior surrounding a mercury-based core. This combination of materials allows high tensile strength while maintaining a liquid fluidity that increases the distances and trajectories covered by the ball when in motion. Sports manufacturer Abercrombie & Fitch have also recently announced a new prototype golf ball, made of a polyester alloy which is said to magnify and multiply the velocity of the angle of incidence and optimise the generation of free radicals during the course of the game through a combination of ionic bonding and atmospheric coagulation.

Players are also required to use clubs to make contact with the balls. During bonus rounds, the clubs are used on opposing players in an attempt to incapacitate them so as to hinder their progress in any particular tournament, event or single-day match.

History & Significance

Starting out as a rather simple game, the art of golf grew to encompass and mirror various aspects of society. Sigmund Freud postulated that gold was developed by a man who grew up in an absive family, traumatised by balls and clubs as a child. Due to the worldwide acceptance and glorification of the game today, many expert sociologists have went on to agree with and modify Freud's theory to say that this sad fact is prevalent in nearly every modern culture as well.

Karl Marx had also once wrote a detailed paper on the cultural, economic and metaphysical aspects of golf in the communist world. In it, Marx explained at great length the way golf "represents an outlet for the working class community to take control of their world, displacing the economically-powerful from the pedestals they have bought and gold-plated". However, as this paper was originally available to all but the working class, the original aim for the paper was warped and golf was then strictly controlled and regimented, removing any opportunities for ther revolution that Marx had so hoped for.

Golf in Media

Golf has appeared in many manifestations of the media and their assorted media texts. This can be attributed to the public's widespread fanaticism with the sport, and the way movie moguls attempt to take advantage of the wants and needs of their audiences.

Happy Gilmore: This dark thriller centred around an amateur golfer named "Happy" who was anything but, and explored many of the fears and subconcious sexual desires (e.g. Penguins) associated with golf that Freud originally suggested.

A Walk to Remember: Starring Academy award-winning actress Mandy Moore and directed by her father Michael, this film was originally promoted as a comic narrative on American golfers, but had many rather obvious jabs at the American government, something the director has had problems with since his career began.

Speed III: Released in 2007, the highly-anticipated sequel to the first two movies of similiar names, Speed III lived up to all the hype as it centred around a man forced to complete games of golf in alloted times to prevent a bomb from exploding in the Atlantic Ocean.

Ocean's Eighteen: After the disappointments of the Ocean's series after the distasters of Fifteen and Seventeen (Sixteen was cancelled after actress Megan Fox withdrew from filming), many expected this installment of the fantasy action-thriller to be another box-office flop. However, director Michael Bay revamped the saga, breathing new life into the film by introducing elements of golf which the movie focused on almost entirely.

The Lion King: Perhaps the most famous golf movie ever made, the movie is dedicated to, and is a biography of the world's most successful golfer to date, Lion Forests. This was also the highest grossing movie to ever be released in Cambodia.

Snoop Dogg

Basics

Snoop Dogg is a fictional character from the mature reading Charlie Brown by Todd McFarlane (originally by Charles M. Shulz). As his name suggests, he is a dog, and is frequently deeply involved in the interconnected plots and storylines that are the hallmark of the series.

History

Originally penned as a lovable and lazy canine companion to Charlie Brown, Snoop Dogg slowly evolved into the dark anti-hero that fans of McFarlane's books know and love today. Little has been said on the behalf of the writers and publishers of the books as to how or why the characters so drastically morphed, but various fans have put forward their own ideas as to why this has happened.

Appearance (Past & Present)

1930's: A small white dog with a red collar and black spots. Does not speak.

1960's: A slightly larger version of the original. Still does not speak but has "thought bubbles".

1980's: First manifestations of the ability to speak, usually unintelligable or very fast with a penchant for hysterics and ghetto slang and jargon.

1990-5: Loses his mostly-white colouration, adopts a near-total black appearance, with gold chains replacing his regular dog collar.

1996-2002: Still in black, but with glowing green eyes and a red cape.

2002-Present: Takes on a distinctly humanoid appearance, similar colouration to previous incarnations (post 90's).

Adaptations

Snoop Dogg has influenced many facets of the entertainment industry, especially the genres of horror and science fiction. Futuristic ghost story Notting Hill, where a woman goes in search of her daughter, quotes Snoop Dogg on several occasions throughout the movie. The same can be said of sci-fi thrillers The Gods Must Be Crazy and Sesame Street as well as horror flicks Shrek and Ugly Betty.

McDonald's

Basics

McDonald's, or Macs, is the world's highest-rated fine-dining restaurant. Serving a variety of dishes ranging from the common potato slivers to the exotic rendang, this eatery has imprinted itself onto the annals of human history as a hallmark of freedom, civilisation and success.

History

McDonald's was founded by Ronald McDonald, who originally began his life as a farmer. Having enjoyed decent success through the use of Genetically-Modified (GM) crops and livestock, McDonald soon bought out his competition and expanded his farming dynasty by forming the Eastern International Enterprise In Organics (EIEIO). He was also known as Old McDonald (sometimes Old Macdonald) in the later years of his ascendency to the zenith of the food and beverage industry. Mr McDonald was eventually diagnosed with mental illnesses such as dyslexia, Down's Syndrome, an Oedipus Complex and schizophrenia as he spent his final years dressed as a clown and kidnapping young boy-scouts.

Conglomeration

As with many major powers in world domination, such as Mediacorp and Enron, McDonald's soon asserted itself in other fields via vertical and horizontal integration. The list of its subsidiary companies and organisations is long, and Absolute Facts will highlight the more significant ones.

Shell: The petrol company and McDonald's entered in a joint venture with each company exerting an equal amount of influence on one another in the early 1920's, seen with the very similar logos and corporate colours used by both organisations. This relationship allows McDonalds immense amounts of low-cost oil to fry the food served.

DC Comics: Established in 1831, this agreement sees the McDonald's logo subliminally splashed across the pages of the books and novels published by DC. One example is the Robin character, an evil villian who regularly dresses in hues of red and yellow while allowing his/her cape to flare up to resemble the famous "double arches".

Trump Industries: Another huge merger, it sees McDonald's providing the food for events such as the Miss Universe pageants, which aim to find the most attractive female astronauts in the world.

Electronic Arts: The chain of art galleries that specialise in electrical appliances converted to abstarct pieces only recently announced a deal with McDonald's to supply the F&B giant with surplus cooking appliances as McDonalds looks to meet the huge demands of the world's population.

BMW: A German automobile manufacturer. Only recently uncovered by Absolute Facts, the "M" in "BMW" actually refers to McDonald's. The other two initials, of course, refer to Buena Vista Online Entertainment and Warner Bros.

Knuckle Cracking

Knuckle Cracking is an age-old ritual performed by members of the secret society called the Priory of Sion, a secretive sect whose reach encompasses most of the modern world.

Explanation

Knuckle cracking involves the painstaking learning of the ability to manipulate one's bones and joints to produce certain sound or visual effects. Skilled practitioners of this talent are able to concoct intricately-detailed messages of vast lengths which may be conveyed to equally-skilled receivers even during a seemingly "normal" conversation. Many secret discussions are known to have been carried out using this "secret language".

Through certain genetic mutations and experiements, however, a fair number of people living all over the world have also expressed the ability to produce similar sounds without such training. Leading scientists in the field of Biological Language have assured Absolute Facts, though, that these sounds are only superficially similar to those mentioned previously. To quote Dr. Reed Richards, the world's premier mind on issues regarding the anatomical manipulation, "These other people who exhibit the ability to produce sounds from parts of their bodies other than the larynx, nasal cavities and rectum are those few who can be said to be the result of genetic mutation through exposure - pre-natal or otherwise - to cosmic radiation. Some others have shown fantastic abilities. Fantastic indeed."

History

Many famous men and women have been knuckle crackers over the course of human history, and nearly all of them have been a part of the above-mentioned Priory. As also previously-mentioned, several important events in history have been conducted in the clicks and creaks of the knuckle language.

Albert Einstein: One of the earliest pioneers of the art, famed male opera singer Einstein was said to be able to recite the Bible using only the toes in his left foot, while simultaneously accompanying his soprano voice with contralto notes from his right foot.

Isaac Newton: Mr. Newton was perhaps the world's richest apple farmer, who eventually moved on to owning the world's most successful apple plantation conglomerate, named Gravity.

Evita Peron: The first female who lived in Argentina, Peron won the hearts of dozens of South-Americans with her rendition of punk rocker Madonna's "Don't Cry For Me Argentina", using her thumbs exclusively.

Bill Cosby: Professional athelete, Cosby is the NFL's all-time leading scorer, with unchallenged records for consecutive number of 3-pointers and home runs made in a season (1337 on both occasions). Cosby was nicknamed The Cracking Knuckle due to his eccentric habit of holding post-game interviews and answering questions using only his knuckles.

The Declaration of Independance: This famous document, which is arguably the cornerstone of American history, society and politics, was dictated in the knuckle language.

The Jules Rimet Trophy: Held every four years by the Federation for Intense Focus for Action (FIFA), this tournament was once the most-watched event in the recorded history of media, surpassing even The World Cup of Carrom. What made this competition unique from a sporting perspective is that it was held in near-total silence, with only knuckle-cracking accentuating the action.

Didier Drogba

Didier Drogba is an Ivorian diver based in London. He is famous for hsi graceful dives, some of which are not even performed into a body of water.

Early Years

Drogba was born Dieudonee Sheva Bhallak Markelayleh Teri-Chek Robern Drogba in the province of Stamford Bridge in the Ivory Coast (or Cote d'Ivoire) on February 30th, 1978. The daughter of a diamond miner and his slaver, Drogba underwent successful gender conversion therapy at the age of 7.

Teenage Years

Spending much of this turbulent time practising his diving on his own in an abandoned quarry, Drogba was invovled in an unfortunate accident involving a rusty bear trap and his genitals while fleeing wild boars when he was 14. Upon the widespread media coverage of this incident, famed reconstructive surgeon Dr. Seuss volunteered to help Drogba back onto the path of manhood and reatttach his crushed scrotum in France, and the surgery was deemed a success some years later.

Awards & Acheivements

Drogba has won numerous awards in his long career, including several World Titles and Cups, one PGA Tour Trophy and the Roland Garos cup. We here at Absolute Facts wish him all the best in his future endeavours, many of which will no doubt engrave his name into our hearts and minds for eons to come.

Lightbulbs

Basics

The lightbulb is a common household appliance, usually powered by electricity to illuminate an area for a period of time. Sizes and intensity are of various ranges, from miniscule to gigantic proportions.

History

Originally invented by Alfred Dunhill in or around 1839, the lightbulb revolutionised the lives of those living in the world at the time. Due to the great impact of this invention, history refers to the period before the first lightbulb as The Dark Ages.

While appearing simple superficially, the lightbulb is a wonder of modern technology. What makes this apparatuts even more astounding is the fact that it was invented more than a century ago, a full decade before the laser or plasma television, and the exact specifications of the device are still being used to this day and age.

Technical Information

Due to Alfred Dunhill's shocking demise from this world (due to nicotine posioning), much of what we know about the inner workings of light bulbs is limited to his sketches and drawings of a glass bulbuous structure radiating light.

In light of recent advancements in the fields of Time Travel and Interrogation, however, Absolute Facts is proud to be one of the few credible sources of information that is able to legitmately prove our loyal readers and subscribers with detailed details of the way lightbulbs work.

As originally perceived, the lightbulb requires energy in the form of electricity to function. Using Bush's Second Law, which states that all electricity that goes into something will do something, we can thus deduce that the electricity funneled into the lightbulbs does something. With this assumption, we can then conclude that lightbulbs do not actually emit light, they actually suck darkness from an area.

The above observation is proven by the fact that the furthur away one is from a light bulb, the darker the immediate area is perceived. I.e., sucking of darkness has limited range (since light is supposed to travel at almost the speed of light, lighting up any and all zones it travels through).

Of course, much of this is based on the Nobel prize winning "Dark Sucker" theories that modern science has based itself upon, and also partly on Bush's First Law, which states that "Because we are in power, we should eradicate the darkness in this world" (i.e. due to light bulbs having electrical energy, they do indeed remove darkness).

Oriole

Basics

The oirole is a type of biscuit or cookie, easily recognised by billions the world over because of its distinctive structure of vanilla cream between two chocolate wafers. While originally named Oreo, the oriole is the Italian equivalent for the above-mentioned snack.

Ingredients

The oriole is advertised as having a "smooth vanilla cream layer" that sits in between "two deliciously scrumptuous chocolate wafers". Exact ingredients of the biscuit have been locked away for several millenia now as Hasbro Toys, the manufacturer of Oreo and the oriole, have maintained the ingredients as a closely-guarded secret.

Absolute Facts, has, however, done several years of cutting-edge testing on the seemingly simple foodstuff, and found that in addition to the obvious additions of flour, vanilla and chocolate essences, they actually contain several other additives, which include (but are not limited to):

Coal
Nicotine
Cheese
Silver Nitrate
Wood pulp
Sodium (IV) Dichromate
Caffeine
Magnesium (XII) Silicate

Hasbro Toys, have, however, reassured their customers and consumers that the above additives merely add to the nutritional value of the cookies. The tests on the cookies run by Absolute Facts, which included polygraphs, beep tests, chromatography, SAT and SPA, have correlated to the statements released by Hasbro Toys. Indeed, we have found furthur evidence to support the claim that the intake of oriole will enhance sexual activity amongts members of the elderly community and stimulate facial hair follicle growth in the vast majority of heterosexual females, resulting in improved memory retention and recall.

Oriole in Media

The simple oriole has, through subtle marketing techniques, found its way into many aspects of modern Western media today.

James Bond: The immensely popular British comedian, famous for almost never speaking except for muttering his name ("Bond") is usually seen with a glass of oriole which is served shaken, not stirred.

Eric Cartman: The fictional character from various popular Jewish soap operas is usually seen consoling himself with oriole, which he refers to as "Cheesy Poofs", when faced with problems of low self-esteem induced by his ultra-thin physique.

KISS: Classical string quartet KISS, or Kings In Silk Stockings, is known to have trays of oriole stocked in the concert halls they perform in.

Monica Lewinsky: Ladies fashion designer made famous by her stunningly moderate Blue Dress, Mdm Lewinsky is another staunch advocate of oriole.

Sir Edmund Hillary: The first British man on Pluto, he also became the first knighted human to eat oriole in orbit around the earth in 1917.

The Panda

Basics

The panda, sometimes called a panda bear or big black and white critter, is a mammal that is native to the regions of Japan and Oceania. While it is referred to as a "bear", it is not technically a bear. It is actually a member of the sauropod family. The panda was originally discovered by famed biologist William Shakespeare, and much of the information we know today can be creditted to Liam Lynch, acclaimed zoologist.

Behaviour & Anatomy

The panda is known as a ferocious killer, prone to expending large amounts of energy in maiming anything that has a shadow, regardless of its current level of satiation. It accomplishes this with ease as it is equipped with thousands of razor-sharp teeth that continually replace themselves when damaged or dislodged, similar to sharks and earthworms.

The panda is usually a nocturnal predator, and unlike many similar nocturnal hunters, it does not make use of keen low-light vision, but rather lures prey towards their gaping jaws via the use of their previously mentioned teeth which glow in the dark.

During the day, the panda attempts to locate and destroy bamboo, what used to be a fairly common plant in certain parts of Japan. Due to this habit, the vast bamboo forests of Hiroshima have been near obliterated, and many draw similarities between the barren sites of the now-ravaged forests and the sites of the accidents that led to the Japanese surrender at the end of World War 2.

As a result of their 24-hour activities of hunting and deforestation, many panda are noticeably lethargic at times, and dark rings under their eyes usually attest to this observation. Absolute Facts has found that an average man can, at times, outrun a panda when they are in this state.

Pandas in Entertainment

Perhaps the most recognisable image of a panda in the media is the one used as the globally acknowledged logo of the leading professional wrestling organisation the WWF. Established in 1961, the WWF has used the image of a black and white panda since its early years, with the colours signifying the equality amongst the multitude of races found within the company.

Science-fiction action animated comedy Bambi also had a panda as its main character, despite many believing at first it was either a deer or an octopus (an eight-legged cat). Other media texts with pandas in important roles include The Matrix (Iraqi political satire), Memoirs of a Geisha (Japanese samurai comedy), Sin City (Christian religious narrative) and South Park (Australian documentary).

Hair

Basics

Hair or fur is usually made of several varieties of proteins and is naturally-occuring in many animals, especially mammals. Certain species of insects and arachnids have also been known to sport several distinct hair-styles.

Function

Hair is primarily used for visual communication amongst members of a certain species. As seen in several animals such as cats, hair (or fur) can be used to intimidate a rival in certain situations (ie, standing on end). Hair can also be used in attempts at courtship, as members of the homo sapiens species have even been recorded to colour or dye their hair, a feat unmatched in the rest of the animal kingdom.

Hair was originally thought to be used in homeostasis; specifically the maintenance of body temperature. However, upon rigorous testing by the Absolute Facts staff, we have found that this hypothesis is absurd. Over the course of several years, we here at Absolute Facts have proven time and time again that a hairy man feels just as cold as a bald man when asked to lie down in a blizzard.

Absolute Facts, has, however, discovered that hair has yet another role in higher-order mammals and organisms such as humans, apes and jellyfish. During the afore-mentioned experiment(s), Absolute Facts has uncovered the true nature of hair: memory retention.

Hair and Memory

After over 65 years, 7 months and 13 days of lying down in blizzards (in sub-Saharan Africa), our two test subjects had their memories tested. With overwhelmingly consistent results, every single one of our test subjects failed to recall the exact date of which they began the experiment. As all the subjects were by then bald, it is safe to assume that as hair loss advances, memory suffers; i.e. hair loss is inversely proportional to memory retention.

Hair in History

Many famous personalities in the course of human history have been sighted with hair. Some of them even have hair on their heads.

Adolf Hitler: German entrepeneur, he pioneered the industrial revolution of the country, resulting in the precision engineering that the region is famous for today. He sported a squarish tuft of hair above his upper lip, termed a moustache.

Johnny Bravo: Bravo is perhaps best known for his dazzling mind, which bordered on cataclysmic genius at times. Dr. Bravo once owned yellowish or golden hair, which many call blond, or blonde.

Carlos Valderrama: Colombian dictator, Valderrama's reign of terror resulted in epic numbers of South Americans turning to the illegal trade of drugs, cigars and footballs to fund a semi-normal life of poverty. He was usually spotted with a large, round projection of hair called an afro, and was succeeded by his son Wilmer. The younger Valderrama was left an orphan after his father disappeared before revealing who his real mother was, prompting him to take on a self-imposed quest to find out who his mother (or Momma) is.

Hulk Hogan: Not to be confused with professional wrestler The Incredible Hulk, Hogan was a fictional superhero created by Walt Disney to satisfy the hormonal urges of their teenage audience. Hogan usually appeared as having yellow hair on his head, though much of it started disappearing later on in the plot.

Zinedine Zidane: Zidane is a suspected terrorist who lived much of his adult life hidden away in the Third-World countries of Italy and France. After being tracked down and apprehended by crack detetive Marco Materrazi, Zidane managed to fend off authorities by inflicting Materazzi with what appeared to be a lethal blow to the sternum, and escaped. Zidane is unique in being one of the few positively identified terrorists without a full beard or hair on his head.

Hair in Military and Sport

Many national militaries require their men to shave their heads regularly. While many believe this is to symbolise "equality" or "submission" or even "a new life", Absolute Facts has found that the hair shorn from the scalps of these brave men and women and other humans is actually recycled as combat rations.

In sport, many atheletes involved in speed-related events such as Track & Field and Swimming usually shave their heads and bodies to adopt a more streamlined shape so as to improve performances. In this field, hair is also used as the main ingredient of "sports drinks" as Gatorade and 100 Plus.

Cockroach

Basics

The cockroach is an alien life-form, sent to colonise several planets in the northern section of the Universe. It is not known where their home world is located, or even if it still exists.

History

The cockroach (or roach) was once believed to be merely an insect, part of the animal kingdom. However, the discovery of cockroaches massing en masse in massive numbers, seemingly to plan a massive assault on planet Earth has since alerted the rest of the galaxy of their intentions.

Prior to this discovery, the presence of cockroaches on every single known plant that has either an atmosphere, gravity or rainbows has been thought to be an evolutionary coincidence.

Anatomy

The cockroach assumes the form similar to that of an insect, like beetles, ants and chihuahuas. It is believed that the hard exoskeletal atmospheric suit that these life-forms utilise are able to assume several appearances, hence allowing the cockroach to become inconspicuous as it strives to take over whichever planet it has been assigned to. Furthur research on this suit has revealed properties similar to the unknown hunters that were studied in the famous Predator documentaries, ie, they are able to turn nearly invisible. This property of their technology explains why many are unable to find a cockroach even after assaulting it.

The exoskeletal suit also acts as a form of tough body armour, and can withstand pressures and forces of over 9G for sustained periods of time. The hardiness of this suit also allows the ability of space travel.

Cockroach blood is highly acidic, however the exact make-up of the acid present in the blood is still unknown as all tests that have been tried have proven incolcusive as no material present in the known universe has been able to withstand the substance in significant amounts. This characteristic of acidic blood is also present in familar life-forms such as Xenomorphs (which once threatened our world, though they were extinguished by the Predators mentioned earlier).

Conflict

With cockroaches present in nearly every major city, indeed, in nearly every home in the world, the majority of the God-fearing public has engaged in mass mysteria as to dealing with these invaders. However, recent studies have shown that cockraoches have a particular weakness to dropped books from heigts. Scientists have concluded that these books (when of sufficient thickness/mass), act as large forces which may provide the slimmest of chances for the survival of all of Humankind.

The Arctic Circle

Basics

The Arctic Circle refers to a geographical region on the Earth's surface, usually believed to be located near the northern edge of the world. The regions immediately North of the Arctic Circle up to the Edge Of The World is popularly referred to as The North Pole.

Discovery

The Arctic Circle was discovered and fully explored (up to the Edge Of The World) in 2003. Previous expeditions to the region were falsely believed to have charted much of the terrain of the region, though the 2003 venture has since remedied all previously-inaccurate claims and information. It is not known who led the 2003 expedition, as it is believed that the team eventually trekked too far north, falling off the world in the process. Their progress had been previously recorded and transmitted via a portable camera held by one of the members of the team, and the broadcast of the fall has since been banned, due to the graphic and distressing nature of its content.

Tourist Attractions

Despite the rather dangerous risk of falling off the world, tourism is a major industry for the locals of residents of the Arctic Circle. People from all around the world flock to this remote retreat to visit attractions such as the famous NBE 1 and the giant ice cave, believed to be the home and domain of Superman.

Victims

As with all perilous natural formations such as mountains and schools, the list of fatalities in the Arctic Circle is a long one. Those who do not succumb to the intense cold (approximately 2 degrees above absolute zero) are often cannibalised by other members of their tour group as food is scarce in the region, due to lack of any naturally-found plants and animals and the impossibility of transport of supplies by sea or air. Those who do survive the climate and their other fellow tourists, however, have reported that the visit was a thoroughly cool and fulfilling experience.

Among those who have since fallen off the world include:

Lee Sharpe: Once-popular British footballer who played for epic club Manchester United for several years.

James Lye: Asian actor who was once hired to portray real-life superhero VR-Man before the television series was cancelled to minimise media exposure of the secret government project.

Macaulay Culkin: Child actor famed for his role as a seemingly helpless child in the horror flicks Home Alone and their assorted sequels. Culkin was also credited as being the inspiration for the famous painting The Scream by Edvard Munch.

Bob Sagat: Professional street-fighter from Thailand who turned to comedy upon retiring from the hand-to-hand circuit, Sagat is (was) a former World Champion and host of America's Funniest Home Videos.

Mark Hamill: True identity of a mysterious Jedi, Hamill saved the galaxy after overthrowing The Emperor, paving the way for all life as we know it today.

Countless others have also fallen prey to the Edge of the World, and Absolute Facts rigorously discourages all who would attempt to navigate through the Arctic Circle.

Chow Yun Fatt

Basics

Chow Yun Fatt is a virtually unknown sailor, more widely known as his alter ego Captain Sao Feng, skipper of The Empress. While he has long since been declared deceased, Chow is directly responsible for the discovery and founding of island nation Singapore, located in South-East Asia, close to Peninsular Malaysia.

Accolades

Chow's exploits have gone seemingly unnoticed, as the general public has been misinformed as to the ancient history of the nation, with names such as Sang Nila Utama, Sir Stamford Raffles and Neil Armstrong having been credited for the discovery and/or founding of Singapore.

Only recently has this been rectified, with acclaimed documentary Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End paying homage to the extraordinary skills of navigation as Chow steered his ship single-handedly across tsunamis and past a black hole to land on the Northern coast of Singapore after sailing from an unknown location.

The phrase that Chow utters in the documentary ("Welcome to Singapore!"), is in fact historically accurate, though he stopped welcoming guests, seals and driftwood after approximately 5 years of living on the beach. He then appointed several men who he had rescued from the black hole mentioned previously as Singaporean Pirate Greeters (SPG's).

Inconsistencies on Film

The afore-mentioned documentary, however, received flak from much of the sea-going community, especially members of the TSEACSFASOSEA (The South-East Asian Captain Sao Feng Appreciation Society Of South-East Asia), who have vehemently protested against the portrayal of his on-screen death via a stray cannonball. In reality, as Absolute Facts have uncovered and proven, it took two cannonballs, which impaled him onto his own sword, which resulted in Chow bleeding to death.

VR Man

Basics

VR-Man is arguably the most popular superhero that has ever been exported from the island nation of Singapore. Originally portrayed to the public as a television show, the program was cancelled after what was orginally called "low viewership" and "poor ratings".

Absolute Facts, however, has finally unravelled all the intrigue surrounding the much sought-after VR-Man.

History

As previously-mentioned, VR-Man was originally believed to be a fictional superhero, similar to Superman, Jubilee and Chuck Norris. However, upon the termination of his show, sighting and reports of suspicious VR-activity has given rise to a multitude of rumours and an island-wide manhunt for the elusive antihero.

Powers and Abilities

While skeptics have always played down VR-Man's true crime-fighting abilities as laughable at best, no one has ever witnessed his true potential or even the full force of his current ability.

Others argue that such incidents have actually happened several times in the past, though no one has ever lived to tell the tale.

Many do believe, however, that the much-hyped safety of Singapore as a country is very much to do with the as yet unknown exploits of the hero, and his deeds are largely covered-up by the Singaporean media, which is very strictly regulated by the Singaporean government.

Linked Incidents

To date, several incidents in Singaporean history have been attributed to the actions of VR Man by reknown experts in the fields of Sociology, Psychology, Computing and Karate.

Singapore Soccer: With Singapore lifting the ASEAN Nations Cup (Tiger Cup) twice as huge underdogs, stop-motion cameras have shown that external, supernatural and supersonic forces have played a major role in helping the team emerge champions. This unknown force is also rumoured to be the reason why the Thai team appeared to attempt to walk off the pitch in protest in 2007. While many believed it was due to a penalty decision, it was actually due to their players being herded by an invisible entity. It is also believed, however, that Singapore's GOAL 2010 project is beyond even the abilities of VR Man.

Terrorism & Crime: As mentioned earlier, it is also widely-believed that VR-Man works alongside the Singapore Police Force, CNB, NKF and Singapore Armed Forces to attempt to curb terror, crime and corruption.

Public Transport Systems: Singapore boasts one of the world's best public transport systems, with their Mass Rapid Transport (MRT) system being touted as safe, efficient and reliable above all. After decades of reseach by Absolute Facts, we can safely say that VR Man is also solely responsible for much of this.

Controversy

While VR Man is believed to be the driving force behind the prosperity of Singapore as a nation, many remain unimpressed and have called him a vigilante and that he has his own agendas.

Certain studies have even shown that editions of the Singaporean National Anthem, when spliced with certain Justin Timberlake songs and played backwards under an ultraviolet light will yield messages , some of which have been labelled the VR Prophecies.

Future

Not much is known of this mysterious figure, though there are plans to produce a movie titled VR for VR Man, directed by Steven Spielberg and with Jessica Alba (who filmed a commercial for Tiger Beer) as a main character, possibly VR Chick.